Business History Books » Small Business Consulting » HELP !! need to understand what happened
HELP !! need to understand what happened
Question:
Steve??? I didn’t see that name in the post or in the routing…… Abby
| | I DO NOT suffer from Bipolar Condition , but I was seeing someone <Big Huge Snip> In short, you’ve been used and then dumped, Steve. I’m sorry for your loss, but that’s how I perceive your situation. BiPolarGnu AKA Richard
Response:
I had the same thought Abby. I looked at the properties to see if I could devine something, but was puzzled as to how he ascertained the poster’s name was Steve.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Steve??? I didn’t see that name in the post or in the routing…… > Abby > | > | I DO NOT suffer from Bipolar Condition , but I was seeing someone > <Big Huge Snip> > In short, you’ve been used and then dumped, Steve. I’m sorry for > your loss, but that’s how I perceive your situation. > BiPolarGnu AKA Richard
Response:
>I read both of these long posts. Each one of them made me cry. >I cried for myself. >I cried for the things I have lost and can never get back. >I cried for those who understand this through experience. >I cried because I know this sad story all too well. >But mostly, I cried for those who I have hurt along the way.
I hate this bloody illness. I have cried the same tears, but I also had to reach a point where I forgave myself. I hope you can forgive yourself too. Absolutely no one is perfect and what matters is what we do with the present. To try to live each day to the best of our ability with what we’ve learned from the past. many hugs to you and I’m so sorry my post made you sad. Tristana
Response:
| |>| After a couple of weeks , she ended up being hospitalized on |>| the request of her husband, because, in her words, he said that |>| she was "insane". She did NOT agree with his assessment. |> |> Does this mean her husband recommended the hospital stay and |> that she voluntarily complied, or that her husband had her |> committed to a hospital stay? This is a very important aspect |> of this element. | | NO, SHE DID NOT VOLUNARILY COMPLY. FROM WHAT I UNDERSTOOD, | SHE WAS ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL AGAINST HER WILL, BUT HAD NO | CHOICE BUT TO STAY THERE. In my state (New Jersey), as far as I know, it takes a clinical diagnosis from two psychiatrists to have one involuntarily committed to a mental hospital against his/her will. If what you say is true, it suggests that her husband had some basis for committing her as you’ve described. I can’t just say of my wife, "She’s insane – please have her committed" and expect it to happen on my authority/credibility. |>| After several weeks of seeing her , and her telling me she that |>| she loved me and that she was "in love" with me , I began to |>| have the same feelings for her. |> |> If you’re both married and both breaking the commitment that goes |> along with marriage, I have my doubts that either of you knows the |> difference between "love" and "fondness": | | AND WHAT DO "YOU" FEEL IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO ? The distinction that seems most striking originates from my assumption that your marriage vows were fairly standard in that monogamy and devotion are either implicitly understood or explicitly declared. If this assumption fails, then everything that follows is irrelevant. "Fondness" is a simple emotion; it’s a tender affection toward an object (person or thing) that you satisfying or pleasurable. "Love" subsumes all that "fondness" denotes but adds the idea of commitment and honesty (again, in the context of marriage vows that include monogamous commitment and enduring devotion). If such vows are not heartfelt, then one who proceeds to get married is lying during their spoken part of the ceremony. If such vows are heartfelt, and they are broken later, one has lied after the fact. Either way, personal integrity and intellectual honesty are shot. How might you have handled this opportunity more responsibly? There are several options that you might have exercised in response to your awareness of feelings for another woman: a. Spend some time evaluating your feelings with the intent of understanding your dissatisfaction; b. Spend some time in individual counseling with someone who’s better trained than you to evaluate/understand the dynamics of your situation; c. Suggest to your wife the possibility of marriage counseling because you’re feeling like the marriage isn’t all that it ought to be. Obviously there’s no guarantee that taking these steps would’ve led to a mutually satisfying conclusion. In that extreme case, you would then have cause to file for divorce. Isn’t divorce a breaking of the vows, too? Yes, it is. However, since it is done out in the open, honestly, it establishes a context of forthrightness. Let’s face it: no one knows what another person may be like in 40 years – we don’t know what WE will be like in 40 years! If we’re going to break our promise to be monogamous "’til death do we part", let’s at least have the courage to do it openly. "Sneaking around" is hardly what I would define as a hallmark characteristic of "love". |>| When she told me that she had in fact moved back in with her |>| husband, my initial reaction was that I felt a "loss", like she |>| was walking away from me, |> |>Naturally. | | WHAT DO YOU MEAN "naturally" PLEASE ELABORATE ( IT WOULD | HELP ME TO BETTER UNDERSTAND ) What I mean is that you became emotionally attached to her because at some level she declared, and you believed, that such an attachment was possible. You perceived a "context of availability". She may have expressed this context, or more subtly alluded to it, or perhaps she merely failed to contradict your perception of it. At any rate, you "plugged in" to the available slot (no pun intended). When she went back to her husband, the "context of availability" was no longer there. You still felt affection toward her, but she was no longer reciprocating like she had been. You felt a loss because, in fact, you did lose something: her affection "the way it was". I’m truly sorry about your loss, and I don’t pretend to know it all. I’m only sharing because you’ve asked me to share. I’m not big on giving unsolicited advice, and I’m only mildly interested in giving solicited opinions when I’m deluded enough to believe that I actually have something relevant to share. Take good care of yourself. BiPolarGnu AKA Richard
Response:
| unimaginable cast the following into the void | of the bitstream: | |> writer’s name was Steve??? I didn’t see that name |> in the post or in the routing…… |> Abby | | Yup that Gnu appears to be a real soothe sayer to | me Abby! Heh, if only that were true! Then maybe my life would reflect more order vs. chaos… 
| Did you get a crystal ball when last you visited OZ? | LOL you learn purty quick ~ Actually, I’ve been involved on Usenet for a little over 3 years now (other groups & other pseudonyms); I learned about scanning headers by having others scan mine and tell me more about myself than I had originally intended to reveal. Life experience is often the best teacher and her lessons are frequently the most painful and the most memorable – at least, they were for me ;-) | I can see that this one is gonna be real hoot! <bg> | No more need for diagnosis, shit, we’ll just ask the | Gnu what’s new. <LOL!> (8^D) | Can’t wait to see the next one. Think I’m gonna | quit reading books and learn everything I need to | know right here. <G> Oh, please! :) Whatever you do, don’t quit reading books on my account. I may have a few insights here and there, but they weren’t enough to help me over my bipolarity – I’m here seeking help, too! :) | – darkman? – | """"""???"""""" | psychiatric lemonade 5? a glass | drink up, knowledge is power.. Cool .sig ! BiPolarGnu AKA Richard
Response:
| | Dear Richard, | | I stand red faced and corrected. I apologize for | my smart assed reply to your post on this subject. That’s ok, darkman. Since I’m new here and I’m not acquainted with many posters here, I couldn’t decide if your reply was intentionally sarcastic or if that was just your "style" of posting. Apology accepted and all forgiven :) BiPolarGnu AKA Richard
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >| >| I DO NOT suffer from Bipolar Condition , but I was seeing someone >| who does. The reason for this post is for me to hopefully gain an >| understanding as to what happened between she and I. >| >| I am married, so is she. >We’re already off to a bad start… ><snip> >| She had said she was going to get a divorce and that she wanted to >| meet with me ; we did ; that first time we met , we had sex, >Ah, yes – gratify now, commit later. Same ol’ song-n-dance. ><snip> >| After a couple of weeks , she ended up being hospitalized on the >| request of her husband, because, in her words, he said that she >| was "insane". She did NOT agree with his assessment. >Does this mean her husband recommended the hospital stay and that >she voluntarily complied, or that her husband had her committed to >a hospital stay? This is a very important aspect of this element.
NO, SHE DID NOT VOLUNARILY COMPLY. FROM WHAT I UNDERSTOOD, SHE WAS ADMITTED TO HOSPITAL AGAINST HER WILL, BUT HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO STAY THERE. >| During her stay in hospital, I visited her 2 to 3 times a week. On >| virtually every occasion, there was a sexual encounter. >Again: gratify now, commit later. ><snip> >| After several weeks of seeing her , and her telling me she that >| she loved me and that she was "in love" with me , I began to have >| the same feelings for her. >If you’re both married and both breaking the commitment that goes >along with marriage, I have my doubts that either of you knows the >difference between "love" and "fondness":
AND WHAT DO "YOU" FEEL IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO ? ><stepping up to soapbox> >LOVE IS A COMMITMENT! ><stepping down from soapbox> ><snip> >| When she told me that she had in fact moved back in with her >| husband, my initial reaction was that I felt a "loss", like she >| was walking away from me, >Naturally.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "naturally" PLEASE ELABORATE ( IT WOULD HELP ME TO BETTER UNDERSTAND ) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -><snip> >| After spending that next weekend not talking to her, I suddenly >| felt a tremendous void inside and came to the realization that I >| had fallen in love with her. >The "void" follows from the "loss". A void should not be confused >with love. ><snip> >| At that point, she said to basically forget that idea, that a >| relationship between she and I would not work. >We see, now, that she does not know the difference between "love" >and "fondness". ><snip> >| She had already committed herself back to her husband. I asked >| her, but "how could you say that if you had the choice you’d >| rather be with me, and then turn around a few days/weeks later >| and tell me that it wouldn’t work". >Easy – she used you. >| She told me that what she was on a "manic high" during our time >| together and this provoked her to say certain things. She DID say >| that she meant that she did love me, that this was not a lie, but >| that returning to her husband, whom she had said had mistreated >| her for all those years, was the best thing to do at this time. >The "best thing" for whom? And why? >| She also said that she had bad-mouthed him during our time >| together because in the bipolar condition, the one who suffers >| from it chooses an enemy, and for her, it was her husband. >I’m a person who has very recently been diagnosed as bipolar. I’m >not an expert on bipolar disorder by any measure, but this "chooses >an enemy" statement sounds like a smoke-screen to me. >| My confusion comes from whether she really meant what she said: >| >| - she says she hates her husband, wants to divorce him after >| almost 20 years of a bad marriage, then moves back in with him >| >| - she says she loves me and is in love with me, says she would >| rather be with me, then says that OUR relationship would not >| work >| >| Can someone explain this to me ? Please I really need the >| perspective of someone who fully understands the bipolar >| condition. >Maybe it’s just me, but it sounds like you’ve been the victim of the >stereotypical "guy meets girl; guy tells girl he loves her; guy and >girl sleep together; guy dumps girl", except that the roles are >reversed and with the additional dynamic that both of you are >presently married. >In short, you’ve been used and then dumped, Steve. I’m sorry for >your loss, but that’s how I perceive your situation. >BiPolarGnu AKA Richard
Response:
| | ‘table’……I would never have thought to do | that when responding to a post. <chuckle> And | it probably would have helped me out too….. | since all of those ‘test posts’ were no where | near the posted message on my reader. ’Guess | it kinda helps to get a person organized, eh? | Interesting……. | Abby Yeah, tables are the "cat’s meow". All my time as a software developer has been spent writing database applications. Since databases are comprised of one or more "tables", that’s often how my mind organizes information. Not long ago I also read a book entitled "The Thinker’s Toolkit". It was written by a guy named Morgan D. Jones. Here’s a small excerpt from the inside front cover: "The Thinker’s Toolkit comes to the rescue. Using real-life examples and exercises, Morgan Jones explains how to replace seat-of-the-pants decision-making methods with fourteen little-known yet surprisingly powerful techniques for solving problems of all kinds, creatively. Each is simple to learn and apply, requiring no more equipment than a pencil and a legal pad." And from the inside back cover: "Morgan D. Jones taught analytic techniques as an instructor in the Central Intelligence Agency’s Office of Training and Education. He also designed and helped teach a graduate course on the techniques for students at Georgetown University. Jones is founder and president of Analytic Prowess, a business consulting and training firm. He lives in Warrenton, Virginia." I regard this book very highly. Ciao! BiPolarGnu AKA Richard
Response:
thought to do that when responding to a post. <chuckle> And it probably would have helped me out too…..since all of those ‘test posts’ were no where near the posted message on my reader. ’Guess it kinda helps to get a person organized, eh? Interesting……. Abby
| writer’s name was Steve??? I didn’t see that name | in the post or in the routing…… | Abby Hi, Abby. I don’t know for certain that the poster’s name is "Steve". It could just as well be "Robert". On my news server there are 4 messages that appear immediately before the one I replied to. There are several headers that these four, and the one I replied to, share as identical: X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.51 [en] (Win95; U) X-Accept-Language: en NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.253.226.82 The first two headers by themselves don’t establish much; they simply tell us what browser and operating system the poster is using. The second header by itself doesn’t establish much; it simply tells us which news server the poster’s messages was sent to, and propagated from. However, these three headers taken together and considered in the context of the date and time of the 5 messages in question are strong evidence that all 5 messages originated from the same author, as may be seen in the following table SUBJECT DATE TIME AUTHOR NNTP-Posting-Host testing 11/12/99 3:17 PM Steve R. 207.253.226.82 test 1 11/12/99 3:25 PM Steve R. 207.253.226.82 abc 11/12/99 3:57 PM LMNOP 207.253.226.82 123 11/12/99 4:03 PM LMNOP 207.253.226.82 HELP !! need to understand what happened LMNOP 207.253.226.82 11/12/99 4:41 PM In the first two messages, the author’s name is listed as "Steve R." messages list the author’s name as "LMNOP" with an email address of This isn’t "proof" in the strictest sense, but it’s strong evidence nonetheless. If a person want’s to "test" post to see what happens, they should do this sort of configuration by posting messages to "alt.test" or "misc.test" – that’s what those news groups are for. Steve (Robert?) "tipped his hand" by posting his test messages to the same group where he wanted to ensure anonymity – big mistake :) Anyway, for those of you who were interested, that’s my reasoning. BiPolarGnu AKA Richard
Response:
| writer’s name was Steve??? I didn’t see that name | in the post or in the routing…… | Abby Hi, Abby. I don’t know for certain that the poster’s name is "Steve". It could just as well be "Robert". On my news server there are 4 messages that appear immediately before the one I replied to. There are several headers that these four, and the one I replied to, share as identical: X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.51 [en] (Win95; U) X-Accept-Language: en NNTP-Posting-Host: 207.253.226.82 The first two headers by themselves don’t establish much; they simply tell us what browser and operating system the poster is using. The second header by itself doesn’t establish much; it simply tells us which news server the poster’s messages was sent to, and propagated from. However, these three headers taken together and considered in the context of the date and time of the 5 messages in question are strong evidence that all 5 messages originated from the same author, as may be seen in the following table SUBJECT DATE TIME AUTHOR NNTP-Posting-Host testing 11/12/99 3:17 PM Steve R. 207.253.226.82 test 1 11/12/99 3:25 PM Steve R. 207.253.226.82 abc 11/12/99 3:57 PM LMNOP 207.253.226.82 123 11/12/99 4:03 PM LMNOP 207.253.226.82 HELP !! need to understand what happened LMNOP 207.253.226.82 11/12/99 4:41 PM In the first two messages, the author’s name is listed as "Steve R." messages list the author’s name as "LMNOP" with an email address of This isn’t "proof" in the strictest sense, but it’s strong evidence nonetheless. If a person want’s to "test" post to see what happens, they should do this sort of configuration by posting messages to "alt.test" or "misc.test" – that’s what those news groups are for. Steve (Robert?) "tipped his hand" by posting his test messages to the same group where he wanted to ensure anonymity – big mistake :) Anyway, for those of you who were interested, that’s my reasoning. BiPolarGnu AKA Richard
Response:
| | I DO NOT suffer from Bipolar Condition , but I was seeing someone | who does. The reason for this post is for me to hopefully gain an | understanding as to what happened between she and I. | | I am married, so is she. We’re already off to a bad start… <snip> | She had said she was going to get a divorce and that she wanted to | meet with me ; we did ; that first time we met , we had sex, Ah, yes – gratify now, commit later. Same ol’ song-n-dance. <snip> | After a couple of weeks , she ended up being hospitalized on the | request of her husband, because, in her words, he said that she | was "insane". She did NOT agree with his assessment. Does this mean her husband recommended the hospital stay and that she voluntarily complied, or that her husband had her committed to a hospital stay? This is a very important aspect of this element. | During her stay in hospital, I visited her 2 to 3 times a week. On | virtually every occasion, there was a sexual encounter. Again: gratify now, commit later. <snip> | After several weeks of seeing her , and her telling me she that | she loved me and that she was "in love" with me , I began to have | the same feelings for her. If you’re both married and both breaking the commitment that goes along with marriage, I have my doubts that either of you knows the difference between "love" and "fondness": <stepping up to soapbox> LOVE IS A COMMITMENT! <stepping down from soapbox> <snip> | When she told me that she had in fact moved back in with her | husband, my initial reaction was that I felt a "loss", like she | was walking away from me, Naturally. <snip> | After spending that next weekend not talking to her, I suddenly | felt a tremendous void inside and came to the realization that I | had fallen in love with her. The "void" follows from the "loss". A void should not be confused with love. <snip> | At that point, she said to basically forget that idea, that a | relationship between she and I would not work. We see, now, that she does not know the difference between "love" and "fondness". <snip> | She had already committed herself back to her husband. I asked | her, but "how could you say that if you had the choice you’d | rather be with me, and then turn around a few days/weeks later | and tell me that it wouldn’t work". Easy – she used you. | She told me that what she was on a "manic high" during our time | together and this provoked her to say certain things. She DID say | that she meant that she did love me, that this was not a lie, but | that returning to her husband, whom she had said had mistreated | her for all those years, was the best thing to do at this time. The "best thing" for whom? And why? | She also said that she had bad-mouthed him during our time | together because in the bipolar condition, the one who suffers | from it chooses an enemy, and for her, it was her husband. I’m a person who has very recently been diagnosed as bipolar. I’m not an expert on bipolar disorder by any measure, but this "chooses an enemy" statement sounds like a smoke-screen to me. | My confusion comes from whether she really meant what she said: | | - she says she hates her husband, wants to divorce him after | almost 20 years of a bad marriage, then moves back in with him | | - she says she loves me and is in love with me, says she would | rather be with me, then says that OUR relationship would not | work | | Can someone explain this to me ? Please I really need the | perspective of someone who fully understands the bipolar | condition. Maybe it’s just me, but it sounds like you’ve been the victim of the stereotypical "guy meets girl; guy tells girl he loves her; guy and girl sleep together; guy dumps girl", except that the roles are reversed and with the additional dynamic that both of you are presently married. In short, you’ve been used and then dumped, Steve. I’m sorry for your loss, but that’s how I perceive your situation. BiPolarGnu AKA Richard
Response:
>Hello all ,
hi It was downright painful to read your post, I have to say. It came sooooooo close to my life experiences with this lovely malady :-} I hope so much that I don’t come off sounding a know it all here but I want to give my two cents and a bit of past history I guess.. maybe it will help you understand in some way. In my experience with Manic depression, someone can believe with all their hearts something they say or feel in the moment. At least it was/is this way with me. Have you heard of the video ..hmmm might have the name wrong, " kaleidoscopes and dark glasses" ? That’s part of the allure/pain/confusion of this illness. It truly and completely can color the way you see people, life, and the way you experience them. It can utterly destroy lives.. off track a bit..someone posted today or yesterday that there could be worse things than being bipolar. after seeing the string of broken hearts and financial ruin left in the wake of a bp episode or a lifetime of them , I’m not so sure I would agree with that poster’s opinion. My own life is just starting to be rebuilt after the mess I made of it. This is a one sided story that I’ve given here. I could reverse the story seeing that I married an undiagnosed mentally ill man also but I’ll just stick to the damage I did to him and not the other way round. I married when in a manic episode. everything was perfect, the world was perfect, there was nothing we couldn’t do together, nothing that couldn’t be accomplished. I truly believed that. It was beyond the normal rose colored glasses most newlyweds would have. I was 19, knew him for only two months when we got engaged. I was married for a short time and then, I crashed. I woke up and someone had turned out all the lights. It was all wrong. I had made a big mistake. I couldn’t recognize the girl who had believed what I had believed. I didn’t know myself. I was a stranger. I couldn’t believe that the energetic woman who had had three hours sleep a night for months, had been me. The confusing part was.. what was real? did I love him? was the enthusiasm real? or was this apathy and total darkness the truth? what was the truth and where did I fit into it? where did he fit into it? The hurt in his eyes when my fire died, I can still see it. he was confused, and angry. This woman who could not get out of bed and who cried all the time who wanted to take all the pills was NOT the woman he had met. And I felt sooooooo guilty.. I couldn’t live up to my own manic image. and slowly the darkness receded and he saw pieces of all the *old* me. I stuck with my marriage for years and years, because I had enough of those manic periods to convince me again and again that I was deeply in love, with him, with the world. And he followed along with me. He was grateful to have the energetic, funny, intense person back. I spoke with passion and he was enthralled. Then months later, My deeply held beliefs would disintegrate and I then looked at him with stranger’s eyes. As the years went on and he wasn’t quite trusting of those high flying opinionated times anymore.. I grew angry and engraged that he would question me about what I had said and believed when suddenly I didn’t hold the same passion anymore and my eyes became negative and blind to all beauty. Then, over time, the experiences became mixed, dysphoric. There was no line anymore between euphoria and depression. I became , no other word for it, a bitch. And my moods cycled like crazy. And I thought I was in love with someone else. And the guy thought he was in love with me. And I thought this man would not question me, why would he? I was perfect, I was all knowing, he would understand me when my husband wouldn’t. My husband thought I wasn’t perfect, in fact he looked at me with terrified eyes now..how DARE he! My anger fueled the fire. I blew 20 000 dollars in a 6 week period. I was totally out of control. no sleep at all for weeks.. I went out of my way to see this man. My eyes told me this man was the one. and of course the libidinal changes which come during mania were in full throttle and my relationship with my husband was basically over due to my extreme changes. so I left my husband and moved on my own. Then months later again, I crashed. terrified and appalled at what I had done, I begged forgiveness from my husband and he moved back in. I told the man I had professed to love that I was back with my husband because I loved him. I thought I must or that I needed to make it up to him. My guilt drove me back and my fear and my total confusion. 10 years later, finally on medicine, finally a name to tell me why I had screwed up so badly again and again, I made the decision to get out. I had put my husband through hell. And my friendship/ romance wth this man was damaged beyond repair. ( even longer story, I will spare you) but I have come out of it a different person with a different view of life. I have done so many things I am not proud of. God, reading this now, the meds work better than I give them credit for!!! I digressed and I didn’t answer your questions but I think there is a similarity here. Bottom line : She can not make any decisions unless she is better stabilized. It is impossible. It’s dangerous to make huge life altering choices when you don’t know which part of your chemistry is talking. >After spending that next weekend not talking to her, I suddenly felt a >tremendous void >inside and came to the realization that I had fallen in love with her.
Just a question: Could it be the void was there before? And she simply filled it and helped you not to have to look deep into your own soul? My own opinion and that’s all it is, is that if you really really love her, you will support her in getting well which may mean accepting that she has a life which may not include you in it. I wish you the very best of luck. Tristana
Response:
> I had the same thought Abby. I looked at the properties to see if I could > devine something, but was puzzled as to how he ascertained the poster’s name > was Steve. > Steve??? I didn’t see that name in the post or in the routing…… > Abby
me too, but I realize I’m a bit paranoid right now. regards, Julie
Response:
Sadly what she says is true. Her relationship with you was the result of her mania – these things happen quite a lot I think. Her rages against her husband are again typical of mania. Now she has come back to earth (so to speak) she realises that she did and said certain things that she shouldn’t have whilst manic and now wants everything to go back to normal. This is totally normal with this illness. Sadly, from your point of view, you have quite obviously fallen in love with her. I don’t know what advice to offer to you, other than to say move onwards and put this behind you. Think positively – you had some fun and you helped her when she was ill. You were there to provide what she wanted or needed when ill, As someone with bipolar who spends a great of time with mania, I can understand what was going on for her. You have helped her, even though she doesn’t know it. Good luck. Tony – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Hello all , > I DO NOT suffer from Bipolar Condition , but I was seeing someone who > does. > The reason for this post is for me to hopefully gain an understanding as > to what happened > between she and I. > I am married, so is she. She had called me at work several times a day > to talk. Initially, > I found this peculiar, but I did not really think much more of it, since > she was pleasant to talk to. > One day, she had decided to move out because she said she had been > mistreated for all her years of married life. She had said she was going > to get a divorce and > that she wanted to meet with me ; we did ; that first time we met , we > had sex, something that I did not expect. > After a couple of weeks , she ended up being hospitalized on the request > of her husband, > because, in her words, he said that she was "insane". She did NOT agree > with his assessment. > During her stay in hospital, I visited her 2 to 3 times a week. On > virtually every occasion, > there was a sexual encounter. I was concerned that her condition was > making her behave > that way, but she assured me that this was not the case, that she wanted > the sex because > it had been so long that she had relations, and she felt comfortable > with me. > After several weeks of seeing her , and her telling me she that she > loved me and that she > was "in love" with me , I began to have the same feelings for her. She > was truly alot of fun > to be with , and we got along extremely well. She would tell me things > like "I wish you were > free, that we could be together" and "I would rather be with you than > with my husband". > During the time we saw each other, she always had bad things to say > about her husband, > not even being able to say his name at times, for how much it angered > her. During our > time together, I neither encouraged nor discouraged her to go ahead with > the divorce. > I always told her that I wanted what she felt was best for her. At that > time, I did not feel like > I could make a commitment to her because I still felt a love for my wife > , and I did not want > to commit to something that I could not deliver on. > At one point, she began talking about a possible reconciliation with her > husband. Again, > I did NOT discourage this. In fact, I said perhaps she could go about it > gradually, perhaps > spending an afternoon with him, then an evening, etc, because I saw the > initial problem > as being HIM, therefore I did not want her to go through the same > situation by rushing > back to him. When she told me that she had in fact moved back in with > her husband, my > initial reaction was that I felt a "loss", like she was walking away > from me, but then I > said to myself "don’t think that way, it’s not fair". I asked her if she > still loved her > husband, and she said she felt that she did. > After spending that next weekend not talking to her, I suddenly felt a > tremendous void > inside and came to the realization that I had fallen in love with her. I > called her the following > Monday and told her how I felt, that I could NOT live without her and > that I was prepared > to leave my wife to be with her, but that I did not realize how much she > meant to me > until that morning. > At that point, she said to basically forget that idea, that a > relationship between she and I > would not work. She mentioned other excuses for not considering my > "offer", like, > her condition making her basically "unemployable" the rest of her life > (meaning she would > be a financial burden to me) , that her family would never support her > if she left her husband for her lover. > The odd thing to me is that she never once mentionned these things, > during our time, as a possible > detriment to our being together. She just always said "I love being with > you and I wish I could be with" > She had already committed herself back to her husband. I asked her, but > "how could you say that if you had the > choice you’d rather be with me, and then turn around a few days/weeks > later and tell me that it wouldn’t work". > She told me that what she was on a "manic high" during our time together > and this provoked > her to say certain things. She DID say that she meant that she did love > me, that this was not a lie, > but that returning to her husband, whom she had said had mistreated her > for all those years, was > the best thing to do at this time. She also said that she had > bad-mouthed him during our time > together because in the bipolar condition, the one who suffers from it > chooses an enemy, > and for her, it was her husband. > My confusion comes from whether she really meant what she said : > – she says she hates her husband, wants to divorce him after almost 20 > years of a bad marriage, then moves back in with him > – she says she loves me and is in love with me, says she would rather be > with me, then says that OUR relationship would not work > Can someone explain this to me ? Please I really need the perspective of > someone who fully understands the bipolar condition. > Thanks for your patience
Response:
Hello all , I DO NOT suffer from Bipolar Condition , but I was seeing someone who does. The reason for this post is for me to hopefully gain an understanding as to what happened between she and I. I am married, so is she. She had called me at work several times a day to talk. Initially, I found this peculiar, but I did not really think much more of it, since she was pleasant to talk to. One day, she had decided to move out because she said she had been mistreated for all her years of married life. She had said she was going to get a divorce and that she wanted to meet with me ; we did ; that first time we met , we had sex, something that I did not expect. After a couple of weeks , she ended up being hospitalized on the request of her husband, because, in her words, he said that she was "insane". She did NOT agree with his assessment. During her stay in hospital, I visited her 2 to 3 times a week. On virtually every occasion, there was a sexual encounter. I was concerned that her condition was making her behave that way, but she assured me that this was not the case, that she wanted the sex because it had been so long that she had relations, and she felt comfortable with me. After several weeks of seeing her , and her telling me she that she loved me and that she was "in love" with me , I began to have the same feelings for her. She was truly alot of fun to be with , and we got along extremely well. She would tell me things like "I wish you were free, that we could be together" and "I would rather be with you than with my husband". During the time we saw each other, she always had bad things to say about her husband, not even being able to say his name at times, for how much it angered her. During our time together, I neither encouraged nor discouraged her to go ahead with the divorce. I always told her that I wanted what she felt was best for her. At that time, I did not feel like I could make a commitment to her because I still felt a love for my wife , and I did not want to commit to something that I could not deliver on. At one point, she began talking about a possible reconciliation with her husband. Again, I did NOT discourage this. In fact, I said perhaps she could go about it gradually, perhaps spending an afternoon with him, then an evening, etc, because I saw the initial problem as being HIM, therefore I did not want her to go through the same situation by rushing back to him. When she told me that she had in fact moved back in with her husband, my initial reaction was that I felt a "loss", like she was walking away from me, but then I said to myself "don’t think that way, it’s not fair". I asked her if she still loved her husband, and she said she felt that she did. After spending that next weekend not talking to her, I suddenly felt a tremendous void inside and came to the realization that I had fallen in love with her. I called her the following Monday and told her how I felt, that I could NOT live without her and that I was prepared to leave my wife to be with her, but that I did not realize how much she meant to me until that morning. At that point, she said to basically forget that idea, that a relationship between she and I would not work. She mentioned other excuses for not considering my "offer", like, her condition making her basically "unemployable" the rest of her life (meaning she would be a financial burden to me) , that her family would never support her if she left her husband for her lover. The odd thing to me is that she never once mentionned these things, during our time, as a possible detriment to our being together. She just always said "I love being with you and I wish I could be with" She had already committed herself back to her husband. I asked her, but "how could you say that if you had the choice you’d rather be with me, and then turn around a few days/weeks later and tell me that it wouldn’t work". She told me that what she was on a "manic high" during our time together and this provoked her to say certain things. She DID say that she meant that she did love me, that this was not a lie, but that returning to her husband, whom she had said had mistreated her for all those years, was the best thing to do at this time. She also said that she had bad-mouthed him during our time together because in the bipolar condition, the one who suffers from it chooses an enemy, and for her, it was her husband. My confusion comes from whether she really meant what she said : – she says she hates her husband, wants to divorce him after almost 20 years of a bad marriage, then moves back in with him – she says she loves me and is in love with me, says she would rather be with me, then says that OUR relationship would not work Can someone explain this to me ? Please I really need the perspective of someone who fully understands the bipolar condition. Thanks for your patience