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what does a marriage proposal mean?
Question:
You can be boyfriend and girlfriend and intend to marry each other "someday". I started dreaming of my wedding day within the first month of dating my now-husband, and that was back in 1992, and I was still in high school. That didn’t make us engaged, although we did toy with the notion of running off to Reno to get married as soon as I turned 18. Thank God we didn’t make that mistake: we were too young, immature and unready. We got engaged after college, when we knew we were ready to begin planning for the wedding. I firmly believe that you shouldn’t get engaged until you know you’re ready to be married. For us it took five years of dating first. If you know you’re going to be married and ride off into the sunset *someday*, after you complete 6 more years of school, work for a while, save up and buy a house, etc., that’s not engagement, that’s pleasant dreaming that will hopefully come true. Just my opinion, take it or leave it. Kyra – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >[You're not really engaged if you don't have a time-frame for your >wedding.] >I disagree. In fact, I can even think of examples of engagements >where it would be far more sensible not to have a time-frame. How >about couples who are waiting to save up a deposit on a house? Young >couples who know that they love each other but don’t want to rush and >want to grow up a little more? >In and of itself, an engagement is just a public and personal >commitment to marrying someone. It’s not conditional on any plans >save the plan to marry at some unspecified time or other in the >future. >This business of having to have a time-frame is like saying that you >have to have an engagement ring; it’s all optional, except for >feelings and intentions. >-Elena
Response:
[You're not really engaged if you don't have a time-frame for your wedding.] I disagree. In fact, I can even think of examples of engagements where it would be far more sensible not to have a time-frame. How about couples who are waiting to save up a deposit on a house? Young couples who know that they love each other but don’t want to rush and want to grow up a little more? In and of itself, an engagement is just a public and personal commitment to marrying someone. It’s not conditional on any plans save the plan to marry at some unspecified time or other in the future. This business of having to have a time-frame is like saying that you have to have an engagement ring; it’s all optional, except for feelings and intentions. -Elena
Response:
Thanks for the honest reply, Kyra. :) I think people got the impression that I was hyper-defensive about not needing an exact date; I meant "dumb, dumb, dumb!" in the "Marcia, Marcia, MARCIA!" kind of way. Hope that clarifies things a little! I think may be common for grooms (and brides!) to get that "Oh my God what have I done" feeling; I know a couple who had to cancel their *engagement party* for a wedding scheduled 2 years down the road because the groom-to-be couldn’t handle the pressure. (!) No word on the status of that wedding…yikes. And being on Jenny Jones wouldn’t be so bad… she might do one of those "Marry me or I’ll have Jenny fix me up with a Chippendale dancer" shows. Meg – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > OK, I can admit when I’m wrong. I should have said a date *or* a specific time > frame, i.e. Summer of 2001, as Meg pointed out. If you know for certain that > you’re getting married to within a month or two of your "target time" then > you’re in perfectly good shape. > But I still stand by my basic premise that you *are not engaged* if you’re in a > situation where it’s "yeah, sure I’ll marry you someday, but I don’t want to > talk about it right now, honey. So stop bugging me and act like a good little > wifey, and maybe someday, if the mood strikes me, I’ll actually consent to make > you one for real. And in the mean time, don’t you ever dare take off that > engagement ring, because I want everyone to know that you’re my property even > though I refuse to do you the "honor" of legalizing our commitment." That is > not engaged! > So Meg, I call you engaged, and wish you all the best in love and life, but if > your date somehow gets pushed back, and back again, then I call you a prime > candidate for Jenny Jones ten years down the line. > Kyra
Before you buy.
Response:
OK, I can admit when I’m wrong. I should have said a date *or* a specific time frame, i.e. Summer of 2001, as Meg pointed out. If you know for certain that you’re getting married to within a month or two of your "target time" then you’re in perfectly good shape. But I still stand by my basic premise that you *are not engaged* if you’re in a situation where it’s "yeah, sure I’ll marry you someday, but I don’t want to talk about it right now, honey. So stop bugging me and act like a good little wifey, and maybe someday, if the mood strikes me, I’ll actually consent to make you one for real. And in the mean time, don’t you ever dare take off that engagement ring, because I want everyone to know that you’re my property even though I refuse to do you the "honor" of legalizing our commitment." That is not engaged! So Meg, I call you engaged, and wish you all the best in love and life, but if your date somehow gets pushed back, and back again, then I call you a prime candidate for Jenny Jones ten years down the line. Kyra
Response:
> I think it’s ridiculous to say that a couple isn’t engaged until a date > is set. Dumb, dumb, dumb! > All I know is that I’m getting married in the summer of 2001, > and I got my ring in December 99. Don’t tell me I’m not engaged until > the *caterer* says so! Gimme a break.
Whoa, don’t get so defensive. There is a HUGE difference between we’re engaged and planning for sometime the summer of 2001 (as soon as we can get things squared away and nail down a date) and we’ll get married sometime in the future, but I don’t want to talk about when yet. Of course you’re engaged. You’re both planning to be married and you have a time frame. And even if that time frame doesn’t work (e.g. you have to push it back to fall of 2001 or whatever), you’re still actively planning. Waaaaaayy different from "we’re going to get married, but I don’t want to talk about it yet". Karen
Response:
> I think it’s ridiculous to say that a couple isn’t engaged until a date > is set. Dumb, dumb, dumb!
I think the distinction the original "have to set a date" poster was trying to make was between having *some* idea of when you intend to get married ("June 6, 2000," "the summer after we finish college," "as soon as Bill gets a job we’ll look for dates about six months out") versus having no notion whatever of a time when the marriage will happen. In your situation, you know the big day will occur in summer 2001, and you’re just ironing out the details of what specific day in that time range it will be. Similarly, Cherise has been engaged quite a while now because the known time frame was dependent on her and her fiance’s job/education situation — but it was always a known thing that they would get married when certain practical considerations were dealt with. The original poster was in a different situation, though — her "fiance" was no longer willing to even discuss a time frame for getting married. Wende
Response:
You might want to consider getting into some type of couples therapy. A lot of times, people know something is wrong, but they can’t exactly put their fingers on it. If he doesn’t agree to do it, then you can guess that he isn’t interested on working on your relationship. Good luck to you in whatever you decide. melissa to paul 09-24-00 a bubble-free, animal-release free, toss anything-free event
Response:
>In my opinion, a person is not really engaged unless there is a ring *and* a >date.
What about the period in between when the ring is given, the proposal is made and the date is chosen? It took us almost a month to set a date. The original date we wanted wasn’t available at the venue we booked. Ron Ng Knows!
Response:
I think it’s ridiculous to say that a couple isn’t engaged until a date is set. Dumb, dumb, dumb! Especially this year when everyone and their grandmother is getting married, the wedding date is decided for a couple by whichever day the chosen venue, caterer, florist, etc. all happen to be available. And how do you choose these things without first knowing your budget, which usually involves informing the parental units… All I know is that I’m getting married in the summer of 2001, and I got my ring in December 99. Don’t tell me I’m not engaged until the *caterer* says so! Gimme a break. (btw, when I announced my engagement to my father, he thought we were already engaged!!! What a letdown. 
Some people have *very* lax definitions, it seems!) So, yarrow01, please tell me what you would call my situation? Just dating? Best pals? Special friends? Meg – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > In my opinion, a person is not really engaged unless there is a ring *and* a > date. There are certain exceptions when it comes to the ring, such as if both > parties agree that a ring is not necessary to signify their commitment, but > generally speaking it is a must. There are *no* exceptions about the date. If > you have no date set, then you’re not engaged, period. You may think you are, > like those women who go on the talk show episodes entitled "Marry Me Today or > I’m Leaving You" and confront their so-called fiances who still haven’t tied > the knot 15 years and 8 kids later, but trust me, you’re really not. So I > think you’re acting entirely reasonable: take off the ring because unless you > have the wedding date to go along with it, you are boyfriend and girlfriend: no > more, no less. Later, when you’re feeling more clear headed, you can > reevaluate whether you ever want to put it on again. Best of luck, and be > strong: maybe putting the ring away will give him a reality check about just > what he stands to lose! > Kyra >In September of 1999 my boyfriend at the time asked me to marry >him. I accepted and planned on a marriage in May of 2000. At >some point our date was canceled. Getting a little anxious I >brought up the fact that we haven’t chosen another date to be >married. At this point he informed me that he is not ready to >marry me. >He doesn’t understand why I would be upset and thinks I’m making >to much out of it. He claims he wants to marry me but, not >right now. I told him today that I will put that ring back in >the box it came in and when he feels ready and assuming I am >still interested, he can ask me again. Do you think I am being >reasonable? I have never heard of someone asking you to marry >them (when they aren’t ready) and expecting you to sit and wait >unil they are. What are the rules when proposing? I’m so upset >I don’t know what to think.
Before you buy.
Response:
Woops, have to disagree with you on that one, Kyra :-) My fianc