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Seriously Thinking About Eloping
Question:
I am supposed to be getting married in a little over four months. My aunt died about a month and a half ago and my mother is in a big fight with the rest of her siblings (one brother and two sisters) over who gets what. Since my mother has a history of using significant events in my life for her own purposes–don’t really want to get into it, but we have had severe tensions over this–she is using my wedding to get back at her brother and sisters. She doesn’t want me to invite them to the wedding, even though, it’s going to be in their hometown. Now, I’m not necessarily that fond of these people, either, but I just hate having one of the most important days in my life being used as a weapon to hurt other people. As I indicated before, my mother has had a long history of manipulating very key days in my life–i.e., high school and college graduations, birthdays, parties for me–to suit her own purposes. Our relationship has always been very tenuous. Now, this wedding is bringing back a lot of bad memories for me, and I have hated the idea of my wedding for a very long time. It is no longer about me but about her. Sad to say, anything I do, she has ALWAYS managed to twist somehow that it affects her. She has got some serious problems letting go, which has caused a lot of problems for us. She is constantly trying to make my life a subsidiary of hers and it’s really getting old, seeing that I am an adult, have a very good career, and a very good life…all apart from her. The woman’s really lonely, a control freak, and separated from her family. Unfortunately, there’s good reason why the rest of my family can’t stand her. But the most important thing about this is that her meddling and her role in this wedding has made me just nutty. My behaviour has been really erratic and it’s gotten me into some big fights with my fiance. Over Thanksgiving, my mother went to my fiance’s hometown since my future mother in law threw an engagement party for us. At that time, I tried to explain to her that I thought the wedding was getting out of control and the whole point of this day was the fact that Michael and I were getting married. My wedding is becomeing very expensive (around $35K), and I can’t stand the idea that she is spending all this money. It’s a waste of good, hard earned income. After I told her all this, she just blew me off, telling me she didn’t believe anything I said. After Michael and I got into a huge fight, we decided that the best thing we could do is to just go to Vegas and elope. There is no joy in this wedding planning for us anymore. It’s getting to be this huge production that we don’t even recognize as being ours any longer. It’s just some sick event that my mother is using to give herself some self-satisfaction. It’s not joyous for me to even think about having this stupid wedding. Am I being rash? I just am not thinking straight any longer, but I can’t seem to find a solution other than just getting married. The idea of eloping is the only thing that’s brought a smile to my face when I think of this whole ceremony. Anna (& Michael) 4-12-96 or some other date if we elope
Response:
>After Michael and I got into a huge fight, we decided that the best thing >we could do is to just go to Vegas and elope. There is no joy in this >wedding planning for us anymore. It’s getting to be this huge production >that we don’t even recognize as being ours any longer. It’s just some >sick event that my mother is using to give herself some self-satisfaction. > It’s not joyous for me to even think about having this stupid wedding. >Am I being rash? I just am not thinking straight any longer, but I can’t >seem to find a solution other than just getting married. The idea of >eloping is the only thing that’s brought a smile to my face when I think >of this whole ceremony.
You’re not being rash at *all*. Of course, we just got back from *our* elopement. My problem was with *his* mother, but they were pretty bad. I am strongly in favor of the elopement. Two hints: 1. Don’t really tell anyone. I was only going to tell my friends, but I remembered how sad my parents were when my little sister and her husband eloped. They had a big wedding later (with most of the guests unaware they were watching a sham wedding), but my parents would have liked to be at the real ceremony. I couldn’t do that to them again, so we invited them (and my sisters) to come with us. If I’d have kept my mouth shut there, all would have gone smoothly, but then I told the rest of my family and a fairly major fight ensued because I didn’t invite my cousins to come along. It was pretty awful. Fortunately, it all worked out in the end because I was *brutally* honest with people, so only the people whom I *really* wanted there came with us. It was great, but I had to deal with all of the crap that comes with a regular wedding. So I advise at least semi-silence. 2. Unless you love gambling and no peace and quiet, avoid Vegas. I think it is a weird, icky-ish place. We had our elopement-thing at South Lake Tahoe, which is a wonderful place. You can still gamble at big fancy clubs and see shows and stuff, but when you get tired of that, you can go outside and see some of the prettiest mountains and possibly the prettiest lake in the world. There’s great skiing and all sorts of other fun stuff to do. I couldn’t find an Elvis impersonator to marry us, but I didn’t try that hard. 
I hope you do whatever makes you happy! Good luck. Kate –
Response:
**Amy, **I’m so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with your **mother. You are right, weddings do tend to bring out the worst in **people! And, being an older bride (35), I can vouch that it is a huge **shock when your mother starts treating you as if you were a blushing **bride of 20 instead of a grown responsible adult! **I didn’t mean to be glib or to imply that everything went back to normal **between my mother and me the day after the wedding! The going was rough **for about three months. But our relationship is back to normal now that **THE WEDDING isn’t the subject of every conversation between us. **I’m not saying it’s easy, but you have to believe that you did the best **you could and focus on the good things about your wedding day **Take care! **Michaele Michaele, Hey, I didn’t take any offense from your post, I’m sorry if I gave that impression. I’ve just become so tired of dealing with her irrational behavior, but this recent argument really had me down about my whole wedding for a while and I needed to vent. I figured this thread was becoming a "Mom’s making my wedding hell", kinda thread and thought I’d jump in. I’m becoming a little more positive about my wedding now…just posted a summary written by a co-worker friend…seemed to enjoy herself…I didn’t piss everyone off I guess! 
Take care, Amy — Amy Breslin Program Assistant THE Ohio State University Materials Science and Engineering Dept.
Response:
Amy, I’m so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time with your mother. You are right, weddings do tend to bring out the worst in people! And, being an older bride (35), I can vouch that it is a huge shock when your mother starts treating you as if you were a blushing bride of 20 instead of a grown responsible adult! I didn’t mean to be glib or to imply that everything went back to normal between my mother and me the day after the wedding! The going was rough for about three months. But our relationship is back to normal now that THE WEDDING isn’t the subject of every conversation between us. I’m not saying it’s easy, but you have to believe that you did the best you could and focus on the good things about your wedding day Take care! Michaele
Response:
I had a very difficult time with my mother also. Many many times I was ready to elope–remember this: you are perfectly normal, your mother is insane oh yeah, and you can’t control your mother. I can’t explain how or why but it’s an unwritten law of wedding planning that SOMEONE MUST LOSE THEIR MIND COMPLETELY. It is also true that a few months after the wedding, things get back to normal (whether that’s good or bad I can’t say) Honestly if it hadn’t been for my Dad intervening on several occasions, I wouldn’t have spoken to my mother in the last four months prior to the wedding. to recall a phrase from my grad school days…it was a nightmare of terror, grief, and woe Anyway, 7 months after the fact, the wedding itself was LOTS OF FUN and I had a GREAT time! I’m glad I stuck it out. There really is no substitute for having your friends and family around you on THE DAY. Sorry that this note is rather void of concrete suggestions, I just wanted to give you a little encouragement that IT CAN BE DONE. If there is a fmily member who can run interference between you and your mother it really helps. It also helps to keep telling yourself that there are only a few months to go. When you really feel insane, try to focus on AFTER the wedding! best wishes to you! Michaele
Response:
I want in on this thread because things have just gone to hell in a handbasket between me and mom since my wedding. I haven’t spoken to her in over a month…frankly, I’ve been a lot less stressed in that month. She lives 3.5 hours away. She promised all sorts of involvement…she’d drive out and help with things in August (wedding was Oct. 12)…no dice. August rolled around and she just didn’t feel up to it (she doesn’t work by the way…retired a few years ago at age 45). When it came time for dad to rent a tux, she said he wouldn’t…nevermind that dad wanted to, she just had to say no…whatever. A few weeks before the wedding, she finally got all excited about plans and was really looking forward to it…fine. I invited her best friend from Colorado after she made plans for her to come anyway…never met the woman before…no problem. Wedding day…mom’s ok, seems to be having a good time. Most of my family left the reception without even saying goodbye. Thanks…see you all at the holidays. Whatever. Brunch the next day, my family was invited – they said no, they were leaving early. We go on our short honeymoon…come back the following Tuesday. I’m sick as a dog…major sore throat, etc. By Thursday I’m feeling better – call mom to say thanks for everything (they gave us a check for a wedding gift, no help planning). She goes into a forty minute diatribe about how horrible the wedding was and how she felt really hurt by this, that, and the other. She and my dad were offended by my boss – he met them once, two and a half years ago at my college graduation, when there were about eight other people in his office, we stuck our heads in and I introduced them. Well, he was drunk at the reception and walked up and introduced himself to my parents. You would have thought he’d killed their dog. Mike’s dad made a toast and among other things mentioned what a great job I had done planning the wedding..without Michael’s or his help (he loves to plan parties). Mom said he was directly insulting HER lack of involvement. I abandoned my family at brunch. She took this one back after I reminded her that last year after Thanksgiving at our place, my parents had agreed to meet Michael’s parents for brunch and then they left town two hours early, stopping by our apartment to say good-bye, and oh we’re not going to brunch with Michael’s parents. I reminded her that they had been invited and declined. She said I ignored her at the reception. Ok, I got it out of her that she wanted to spend the night talking to me. (Get the idea she doesn’t socialize much…her idea of a wedding is sitting at the same table ALL night, talking to that same people ALL night…sorry, but I was trying to host 140 people MOM!) We get off the phone civilly after a few apologies…she said she wanted to come out two weeks later while Michael was out of town to see the photographer’s proofs…I said WAIT until they come in, I don’t know if they’ll be back yet. Two weeks later, Michael ended up coming home early but there were a bunch of other people in town we had to deal with (business). Mom says she’s coming, I say NO, the photos aren’t here yet and Michael’s back and he’s exhausted (this is two weeks into married life and he was gone for one and a half!)…it’s NOT a good weekend. She shows up anyway. It was convenient for her. She spent less than 24 hours after a four hour drive. We argued and she told me she just didn’t get my "hints" about the inconvenient weekend situation. She asked me if they (she drove out with my uncle) should leave, I said yes. Weddings don’t bring out the best in people. It helps if the parents are rational adults and can accept their children as adults (esp. when the child is 28 and has lived away from home for 10 years). It doesn’t always blow over afterwards… although I’m sure this will – eventually. Sorry this has turned into a huge long vent, but I had some really bad feelings about our wedding after that talk with my mom. I still have a hard time looking at some of the photos. I had to ask a lot of my good friends for reassurance that it wasn’t just a horrible evening filled with spite and ill will as mom would have it portrayed. I put a lot of effort into making it a nice relaxing evening for everyone else – which by all other accounts was successful…and I was so tired and achy by the end of the night – I really thought I had a good time…I resent her making me feel guilty for not holding her hand all weekend. I’m almost more mad at myself for letting it happen. Amy — Amy Breslin Program Assistant THE Ohio State University Materials Science and Engineering Dept.
Response:
Anna, as another eventual bride with a very manipulative mother, I definitely feel for you. I hope you find a solution which works for you. You are *not* overreacting, nor are you necessarily being rash. You do have other options besides eloping, but I for one would not look down on you the slightest bit if you did decide to elope. I can only offer suggestions: 1) Tell your mother the deal’s off. Then plan and pay for your wedding yourselves. (The latter is what we’re doing.) If you are hosting and paying, *you* retain control. If she tries to interfere, don’t talk to her, don’t tell her details — in fact, don’t tell her *anything* that isn’t going on the invitation. She may scream that she won’t come. Don’t let that bother you; simply say that she will be missed. (You needn’t say by whom. *grin*) If the rest of the family detests her as much as you say, this shouldn’t cause any major problems anyway, nor will they be likely to believe her if she starts trying to slam you in front of other family members. She may scream that you are ungrateful brats. Don’t give in to that. It’s emotional blackmail. After all, your wedding can’t happen without you, no matter what she plans! 2) Tell your mother that she needs to sit down with the two of you (the *two* of you — do NOT NOT NOT tackle her alone!) and rethink the whole wedding thing. If she will not do this, explain that you will bail, and then see what she says. If she won’t talk then, see the other options. If you’re like me, you can’t face your mother with something like this without her turning you into spineless jelly. In such a situation, I recommend writing — although I tell you right now people will disagree with me. Simply state your case as you did in your post, and explain clearly what you want to happen and what will happen if what you want to happen doesn’t happen. No recriminations, no emotional outbursts, no anger — just a simple statement of how you feel about what’s going on, and what you want to change. Judging from your post, you’re pretty darn articulate in writing, which certainly can’t hurt! 3) Do your wedding and reception your way, and let your mother throw some kind of party for you afterwards, which you can leave completely in her hands and she can handle however she wants to and spend as much as she likes. As long as it’s clear that it’s *her* party that she’s hosting for you, whatever games she wants to play will reflect badly on her, not you. 4) Elope. You may or may not choose to let your mother throw you a party afterwards. I wish you all possible luck in this very sticky situation, and congratulations on your engagement! Dorothea — Dorothea M. Rovner | "Nuestras vidas son los rios Gradual Student | que van a dar en la mar/qu’es el morir."