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Not happy with where FMIL wants to host rehearsal dinner
Question:
I am wondering if FMIL is familiar with the NH seacoast area? Is she aware that there are SCADS of excellent restarants here in all price ranges? I wouldn’t be happy if I were you either, knowing that your wedding site is virtually surrounded by great restaurants, yet she insists on "treating" you her way. I guess the way I would look at it is that at least it’s just the rehearsal, and not the actual wedding. Let her have it her way, and maybe after you can take some of your closest friends to the great NH seacoast restaurants for drinks? I feel for you, but can offer no great solution. I can only empathize with your frustration because I know what wonderfully scenic places there are in the area with some of the best food anywhere.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > How do I/we tactfully deal with this? My FMIL lives in FL and we are > getting married in NH. Money is tight for her, but she wants to pay > for the rehearsal dinner. We have offered to help pay for it, but she > has refused that offer. My FH’s aunt was mentioning that my FMIL was > thinking of having her brother (who is a chef) cater the wedding at the > aunt’s house, which is a good 45 minutes from the chapel, where we’re > having the rehearsal. The wedding is going to be on the ocean, with > tons of great restaurants all around where we could have the rehearsal > dinner. I haven’t spoken to my FMIL about this, and I don’t think I’m > going to. I will probably leave this to my FH. We just don’t know how > to couch this so that no one is upset. > Since money is the reason why she wants her brother to cater it, I > mentioned having a casual rehearsal dinner, and my mother scoffed at > that idea. I have a feeling this is going to be a difficult process!! > My mother can be quite snooty at times, and I don’t want the strife > between the families. They haven’t even met yet, and already I am > anticipating not great chemistry. To me, the best solution is for us > to help pay for the rehearsal at a nice restaurant close to the where > everyone is going to be. How should FH approach his mom?
Emphasize the inconvenience of the 45 minute drive. — JF Please reply by post. I do not check this email account for messages. http://www.newsfeeds.com The Largest Usenet Servers in the World!
Response:
IMHO there is no way to "deal" with this. You should be honored that your FMIL would go through so much trouble. My Future in laws aren’t paying for anything (as of yet) and I would never ask them to, I would also be VERY thankful for anything they could do whether it was something I really wanted or not. GEEZ, its the rehearsal, not the wedding… Jen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> How do I/we tactfully deal with this? My FMIL lives in FL and we are > getting married in NH. Money is tight for her, but she wants to pay > for the rehearsal dinner. We have offered to help pay for it, but she > has refused that offer. My FH’s aunt was mentioning that my FMIL was > thinking of having her brother (who is a chef) cater the wedding at the > aunt’s house, which is a good 45 minutes from the chapel, where we’re > having the rehearsal. The wedding is going to be on the ocean, with > tons of great restaurants all around where we could have the rehearsal > dinner. I haven’t spoken to my FMIL about this, and I don’t think I’m > going to. I will probably leave this to my FH. We just don’t know how > to couch this so that no one is upset. > Since money is the reason why she wants her brother to cater it, I > mentioned having a casual rehearsal dinner, and my mother scoffed at > that idea. I have a feeling this is going to be a difficult process!! > My mother can be quite snooty at times, and I don’t want the strife > between the families. They haven’t even met yet, and already I am > anticipating not great chemistry. To me, the best solution is for us > to help pay for the rehearsal at a nice restaurant close to the where > everyone is going to be. How should FH approach his mom? > Emphasize the inconvenience of the 45 minute drive. > — > JF > Please reply by post. > I do not check this email account for messages. > http://www.newsfeeds.com The Largest Usenet Servers in the World!
Response:
I think that the problem here is not with your FMIL but with *your* mother. If she is going to behave in a "snooty" manner then you need to sit her down and let her know that her behavior is unacceptable. If this is what your FMIL can afford then you, and your mother, should accept graciously and not try to manipulate her into spending money that she doesn’t have. -D – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> How do I/we tactfully deal with this? My FMIL lives in FL and we are > getting married in NH. Money is tight for her, but she wants to pay > for the rehearsal dinner. We have offered to help pay for it, but she > has refused that offer. My FH’s aunt was mentioning that my FMIL was > thinking of having her brother (who is a chef) cater the wedding at the > aunt’s house, which is a good 45 minutes from the chapel, where we’re > having the rehearsal. The wedding is going to be on the ocean, with > tons of great restaurants all around where we could have the rehearsal > dinner. I haven’t spoken to my FMIL about this, and I don’t think I’m > going to. I will probably leave this to my FH. We just don’t know how > to couch this so that no one is upset. > Since money is the reason why she wants her brother to cater it, I > mentioned having a casual rehearsal dinner, and my mother scoffed at > that idea. I have a feeling this is going to be a difficult process!! > My mother can be quite snooty at times, and I don’t want the strife > between the families. They haven’t even met yet, and already I am > anticipating not great chemistry. To me, the best solution is for us > to help pay for the rehearsal at a nice restaurant close to the where > everyone is going to be. How should FH approach his mom? > Emphasize the inconvenience of the 45 minute drive. > — > JF > Please reply by post. > I do not check this email account for messages. > http://www.newsfeeds.com The Largest Usenet Servers in the World!
Response:
> How do I/we tactfully deal with this? My FMIL lives in FL and we are > getting married in NH. Money is tight for her, but she wants to pay > for the rehearsal dinner. We have offered to help pay for it, but she > has refused that offer. My FH’s aunt was mentioning that my FMIL was > thinking of having her brother (who is a chef) cater the wedding at the > aunt’s house, which is a good 45 minutes from the chapel, where we’re > having the rehearsal. The wedding is going to be on the ocean, with > tons of great restaurants all around where we could have the rehearsal > dinner. I haven’t spoken to my FMIL about this, and I don’t think I’m > going to. I will probably leave this to my FH. We just don’t know how > to couch this so that no one is upset.
You’re absolutely right about the 45-minute drive being annoying for your guests. However, you can’t fix everything in the world, and I’d tend to suggest blowing this one off as a battle not worth fighting. The issue may be more than money. It may be a family tradition to do rehearsal dinners a certain way, or it may just plain be about power. In any case, it’s her party, and if she isn’t planning to do anything heinous (like serving prime rib to a wedding party of vegetarians), you’ll be stepping on her toes by insisting on having it your way. By the time you’ve gushed to your wedding party about how touched you are in your FMIL’s kindness in *insisting* that the party be at a family home, with a family member who’s a professional chef, they will all figure out that the long drive was not your idea. 
If this is the worst your FMIL can come up with, count yourself lucky and don’t ever let her meet my MIL. Wende
Response:
: How do I/we tactfully deal with this? My FMIL lives in FL and we are : getting married in NH. Money is tight for her, but she wants to pay : for the rehearsal dinner. We have offered to help pay for it, but she : has refused that offer. My FH’s aunt was mentioning that my FMIL was : thinking of having her brother (who is a chef) cater the wedding at the : aunt’s house, which is a good 45 minutes from the chapel, where we’re : having the rehearsal. Is there any place where the brother could cater the food at a location closer to the church? Is there a fellowship hall at the church that could be used? Nicely decorated (nice table linens, candles, etc.), the church hall could be very elegant, especially with a catered meal, and best of all…no travel time! Jill
Response:
> My FMIL lives in FL and we are > getting married in NH. Money is tight for her, but she wants to pay > for the rehearsal dinner. We have offered to help pay for it, but she > has refused that offer. > Since money is the reason why she wants her brother to cater it, I > mentioned having a casual rehearsal dinner, and my mother scoffed at > that idea. I have a feeling this is going to be a difficult process!! > My mother can be quite snooty at times, and I don’t want the strife > between the families. They haven’t even met yet, and already I am > anticipating not great chemistry. To me, the best solution is for us > to help pay for the rehearsal at a nice restaurant close to the where > everyone is going to be. How should FH approach his mom?
I don’t think that is the best solution. Your FMIL wants to pay for it and you should let her. Since FMIL is hosting, let her host it wherever she pleases, that’s her prerogative. It’s not up to FH to convince his mother otherwise, it’s up to you to convince your mother to keep her hands off – she has no business scoffing at the hostess’s plans. Though your mother won’t be happy with the RD, it really won’t cause strife between families if you keep the opinions between you and mother. Z
Response:
45 minutes does seem awfully far to drive after the rehearsal to go to the dinner. I’d be willing to bet that UNH in Durham (since you mentioned NH and the ocean I’m assuming that’s close) has a place that is either a) inexpensive or b) you can bring in your own food. But I think you should ultimately let your FMIL plan it. Sara
Response:
> Since money is the reason why she wants her brother to cater it, I > mentioned having a casual rehearsal dinner, and my mother scoffed at > that idea. I have a feeling this is going to be a difficult process!! > My mother can be quite snooty at times, and I don’t want the strife > between the families. They haven’t even met yet, and already I am > anticipating not great chemistry. To me, the best solution is for us > to help pay for the rehearsal at a nice restaurant close to the where > everyone is going to be. How should FH approach his mom?
This one’s her (your FMIL’s) show, so you probably have to let her run it or risk major fallout. If anything is said, you might have FH frankly discuss the travel and timing problem of having the rehearsal dinner 45 minutes from the rehearsal site (if it truly does create a problem for those attending). If you really want to load the dice, you can do some judicious shopping and see if you can create an option in her price *and* style range that is closer and have FH husband present the options (politely and without trying to force the issue). Basically, though, your FMIL is trying to do something that fits in her budget and still maintains her dignity. It’s hard to argue with that, even if it means a little travel time. If you think it’s going to fall short of your family’s expectations, it’s your job to do a little expectation management ahead of time, and make your family understand that your dear FMIL has done her level best to do right by this event–and her efforts should be appreciated as such, and you’ll not look kindly on exceptions. Best wishes, Ericka Kammerer
Response:
How do I/we tactfully deal with this? My FMIL lives in FL and we are getting married in NH. Money is tight for her, but she wants to pay for the rehearsal dinner. We have offered to help pay for it, but she has refused that offer. My FH’s aunt was mentioning that my FMIL was thinking of having her brother (who is a chef) cater the wedding at the aunt’s house, which is a good 45 minutes from the chapel, where we’re having the rehearsal. The wedding is going to be on the ocean, with tons of great restaurants all around where we could have the rehearsal dinner. I haven’t spoken to my FMIL about this, and I don’t think I’m going to. I will probably leave this to my FH. We just don’t know how to couch this so that no one is upset. Since money is the reason why she wants her brother to cater it, I mentioned having a casual rehearsal dinner, and my mother scoffed at that idea. I have a feeling this is going to be a difficult process!! My mother can be quite snooty at times, and I don’t want the strife between the families. They haven’t even met yet, and already I am anticipating not great chemistry. To me, the best solution is for us to help pay for the rehearsal at a nice restaurant close to the where everyone is going to be. How should FH approach his mom? Before you buy.