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help–the wallflower is clinging to my social butterfly

Question:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->It didn’t make sense to me then, but makes perfect sense now. My parents >were funny though. They claimed to have a hands off policy, and did up to a >point. If my decisions were not what they approved of, they’d be falling all >over themselves to restructure things. > Parents have to *walk the walk* in issues of control, not just *talk > the talk.* Unless they do, it is pretty likely that kids will begin > to mistrust them and to not communicate about their decisions > just in case the parents might disapprove. > Dorothy

Ya. It’s really a wonderful subject of discussion. While my own parents were dreadfully two-faced about the whole thing…. maybe the next generation will have it more together.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out > with > > another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". > She > > demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and > > that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her > that I > > was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for > > quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to > the > > door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had > gone > > off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and > would > > call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends > and > > many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with > > someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, > and > > was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I > tried > > very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out > that > > no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got > to > > cut the cord loose. > > How do I handle this? > oh wow — no wonder the poor NG is so socially incompetent — she has a > socially incompetent Mom. This is a tough one because NM feels entitled > to your time — and she lives next door where she can monitor your every > move. It is grotesquely insensitive and self centered but there it is. > You need to firmly tell neighbor Mom that the girls are quite a bit > different in age and that she needs to work on developing a circle of > friends closer in age to her daughter. > Ack! And how do you think the neighbor will react to this "firm telling"? > She already called up irate over something so small! If you do this then > you and your neighbor will be enemies. Tell your neighbor that this is > between the girls and you are not going to get involved. These kids will > work it out together, trust me. They will probably do a better job than any > adult can. > Mary Ellen

After reading all your posts–thanks much to everyone–and talking this over with DH when he got back from his latest business trip the day after this happened this is pretty much the approach we’ve taken. DH & I sat down with DD to let her know how NG was feeling. We told DD that if NG called or stopped by when she was busy, we’d simply say that DD couldn’t play and no longer give a reason why or say "we’ll give her the message that you called/stopped by." We agreed that DD should apologize to NG. We also suggested that DD ask NG to tell her in specific terms if she wanted to play–to politely ask her to say "can she come over at 1:00 to play" rather than asking if she can play now and then assuming that if DD’s busy she’ll head right next door when she’s done. We also suggested that DD try to explain that just because NG has asked if she can play while she’s busy and she can’t NG should not just sit and wait for DD to show up when she’s done with whatever had her busy–to explain that she has other friends and interests. DD did try this that day–she invited NG over for a tea party and tried talking to her while DH & I were doing yard work nearby (DD wanted us to hear the conversation to advice her if needed). NG informed her that DD should immediately run over to her house as soon as she’s free because NG is her neighbor and her best friend and that’s more important than anything else. DD tried to calmly point out that while she may be NG’s best friend DD has many other friends and interests and sometimes she wants to pursue them. If she’s not home when NG calls her father or I have no way of knowing what her wants/interests will be on her return. NG informed DD that if she was not willing to put NG first the she would not play and stormed off. Her mother called shortly after to complain that DD had made NG cry. I related the conversation, and I could tell that she was really annoyed that DD had said these things. DH & I talked to DD and told her that it appeared to us as though if she wanted to continue to play with NG she’d have to do so on these terms. We were willing to let her decide. DD told us that she would rather lose NG as a friend than be ordered around since friends don’t order other friends around as far as who they can play with or expect them to spend all their time with only you. Of course, the news that DH came home with that he’s being transferred to a new location and we’re moving in 3 months probably had some impact on her decision. I want to thank all of you for responding. I had some fears that I was wrong in telling DD that she could chose to play with others after NG had called. Or that I was wrong in thinking that telling NG "I’ll give her the message" did not mean that I would send DD over to play. I’m glad to hear that others are of the same opinion that DH & I are. Lesa

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> The way you handle this is to BUTT OUT! Let the kids work it out. > As for the irate mother calling you, you should have said "Look, I really > don’t want to argue with you over the kids. You know how kids are, one > minute they are friends, the next they are fighting, then they are friends > again. Adults, however, cannot take back what they say. I try not to get > involved with the children’s fights because we live next door to each other > and I don’t want to be fighting with you." > When you see your neighbor, be friendly and talk about other things. Your > daughter has to learn to handle this herself. If she does not want to play > with NG then she has to tell her, not you. Stay out of it or you will be > enemies with your neighbor. And I don’t think that you want to do that. > You do need your neighbors, it just makes life so much nicer. The same goes > for your neighbor. If your DD doesn’t want to play then the neighbor needs > to explain to her daughter that your daughter is busy and "let’s find > something else to do". > I have been there, done that. My kids have been on both sides of this, > rejecting and being rejected. I remain good friends with my neighbor. She > too got heated over the kids and when I explained how I do not want to get > involved, she realized I was right and backed off. When my kids were > "rejected" I helped them find something else to do. Like go to the park, > ask another friend over, etc. When my kids were bothered by neighbor child, > I told them to nicely explain that they don’t feel like playing with him > today. That they want to take "a break" from playing. The kids understood > each other and there were no fights. Kids CAN handle this sort of thing and > they understand each other’s feelings very well. > Bottom line: The parents should stay out of this and let the kids handle > it.

Yours was really a good answer. Thank you for the wonderful thoughts. My mother would says the same thing to me as a child when I came in crying that a kid had hurt my feelings or slugged me or whatever. It didn’t make sense to me then, but makes perfect sense now. My parents were funny though. They claimed to have a hands off policy, and did up to a point. If my decisions were not what they approved of, they’d be falling all over themselves to restructure things.

Response:

Apparently, something had to give. You were right to advise DD that she had a right to other friends and of course her personal time. HOWEVER- the girls are still next door neighbors. It would be advisable for them to part friends. As they are going to part anyway in a couple of months, it sure would be nice if their final memories of each other were good memories. Being friends means you iron out your difficulties. Not that difficulties never arise.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > > So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was > out > with > > > another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". > She > > > demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG > and > > > that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her > that I > > > was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG > for > > > quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to > the > > > door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had > gone > > > off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and > would > > > call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends > and > > > many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with > > > someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain > group, > and > > > was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I > tried > > > very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out > that > > > no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got > to > > > cut the cord loose. > > > How do I handle this? > > oh wow — no wonder the poor NG is so socially incompetent — she has a > > socially incompetent Mom. This is a tough one because NM feels entitled > > to your time — and she lives next door where she can monitor your every > > move. It is grotesquely insensitive and self centered but there it is. > > You need to firmly tell neighbor Mom that the girls are quite a bit > > different in age and that she needs to work on developing a circle of > > friends closer in age to her daughter. > Ack! And how do you think the neighbor will react to this "firm telling"? > She already called up irate over something so small! If you do this > then > you and your neighbor will be enemies. Tell your neighbor that this is > between the girls and you are not going to get involved. These kids will > work it out together, trust me. They will probably do a better job than > any > adult can. > Mary Ellen > After reading all your posts–thanks much to everyone–and talking this over > with DH when he got back from his latest business trip the day after this > happened this is pretty much the approach we’ve taken. > DH & I sat down with DD to let her know how NG was feeling. We told DD that > if NG called or stopped by when she was busy, we’d simply say that DD > couldn’t play and no longer give a reason why or say "we’ll give her the > message that you called/stopped by." We agreed that DD should apologize to > NG. We also suggested that DD ask NG to tell her in specific terms if she > wanted to play–to politely ask her to say "can she come over at 1:00 to > play" rather than asking if she can play now and then assuming that if DD’s > busy she’ll head right next door when she’s done. We also suggested that DD > try to explain that just because NG has asked if she can play while she’s > busy and she can’t NG should not just sit and wait for DD to show up when > she’s done with whatever had her busy–to explain that she has other friends > and interests. > DD did try this that day–she invited NG over for a tea party and tried > talking to her while DH & I were doing yard work nearby (DD wanted us to > hear the conversation to advice her if needed). NG informed her that DD > should immediately run over to her house as soon as she’s free because NG is > her neighbor and her best friend and that’s more important than anything > else. DD tried to calmly point out that while she may be NG’s best friend > DD has many other friends and interests and sometimes she wants to pursue > them. If she’s not home when NG calls her father or I have no way of > knowing what her wants/interests will be on her return. NG informed DD that > if she was not willing to put NG first the she would not play and stormed > off. Her mother called shortly after to complain that DD had made NG cry. > I related the conversation, and I could tell that she was really annoyed > that DD had said these things. > DH & I talked to DD and told her that it appeared to us as though if she > wanted to continue to play with NG she’d have to do so on these terms. We > were willing to let her decide. DD told us that she would rather lose NG as > a friend than be ordered around since friends don’t order other friends > around as far as who they can play with or expect them to spend all their > time with only you. Of course, the news that DH came home with that he’s > being transferred to a new location and we’re moving in 3 months probably > had some impact on her decision. > I want to thank all of you for responding. I had some fears that I was > wrong in telling DD that she could chose to play with others after NG had > called. Or that I was wrong in thinking that telling NG "I’ll give her the > message" did not mean that I would send DD over to play. I’m glad to hear > that others are of the same opinion that DH & I are. > Lesa

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> The way you handle this is to BUTT OUT! Let the kids work it out. > while I think this is wise in general — it is also up to Mom to teach her > daughter how to deal with unwanted demands on her time — if she doesn’t > learn that she has the right to say no now — it will help establish a > pattern where she is taken advantage of when she is older. many girls and > women confuse politeness with doormatness — and such women are the ones > who date guys they don’t like that much because he is ‘nice’ and I don’t > want to hurt his feelings, or who sleep with men they don’t really want to > because they don’t know how to say no to a good friend etc etc —- the > daughter needs help in how to say no politely and not feel guilty about > it. This isn’t Mom intervening with the neighbor — but teaching her > daughter how to unappologetically decline to play when she doesn’t want > to.

I agree with you that children need to know that it’s ok to say "no" to something or someone if they are uncomfortable or "don’t feel like it right now". This can be said in a nice way. What I meant by "butt out" was the OP was telling the NG that her daughter was busy, etc. When the NG comes to the door, the OP should call her DD to the door and then leave them alone. If DDcomplains later to the OP that she didn’t want to play with NG then the OP could tell DD how to politely say "not today". But for the OP to be the "middle man" creates problems. Then the NG’s mother gets involved and hurt words could be said. That is what I meant by "butt out". My mother always told me not to get involved with kids’ fights. She learned the hard way, she had a falling out with a neighbor over us kids and she really regretted it because she really like the neighbor. As time went by and they moved (not far) and we moved (not far) my mother ran into this neighbor and said how she always regretted their falling out and so when they ran into each other they would talk. But they were never as close as they once were. Us kids played again but our mothers weren’t as close. Mary Ellen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> As for the irate mother calling you, you should have said "Look, I really > don’t want to argue with you over the kids. You know how kids are, one > minute they are friends, the next they are fighting, then they are friends > again. Adults, however, cannot take back what they say. I try not to get > involved with the children’s fights because we live next door to each other > and I don’t want to be fighting with you." > good script – the ‘you know kids’ line is almost always the right > approach — it implies the BOTH kids are ‘to blame’ or whatever — that it > is kids’ stuff > and doesn’t put the other parent on the defensive. even when the other > kid IS awful — the ‘you know kids’ line implies that on some other > occasion you knkow YOUR kid may be the awful one [which of course is true] > When you see your neighbor, be friendly and talk about other things. Your > daughter has to learn to handle this herself. If she does not want to play > with NG then she has to tell her, not you. Stay out of it or you will be > enemies with your neighbor. And I don’t think that you want to do that. > You do need your neighbors, it just makes life so much nicer. The same goes > for your neighbor. If your DD doesn’t want to play then the neighbor needs > to explain to her daughter that your daughter is busy and "let’s find > something else to do". > I have been there, done that. My kids have been on both sides of this, > rejecting and being rejected. I remain good friends with my neighbor. She > too got heated over the kids and when I explained how I do not want to get > involved, she realized I was right and backed off. When my kids were > "rejected" I helped them find something else to do. Like go to the park, > ask another friend over, etc. When my kids were bothered by neighbor child, > I told them to nicely explain that they don’t feel like playing with him > today. That they want to take "a break" from playing. The kids understood > each other and there were no fights. Kids CAN handle this sort of thing and > they understand each other’s feelings very well. > Bottom line: The parents should stay out of this and let the kids handle > it. > Mary Ellen > > If anyone has been in this situation before I’d love some advice. The > > next-door neighbors have a girl who’s 6–DD is 9. DD has many friends all > > around the block, and from outside activities that she does. Neighbor > girl > > (NG) has DD for a friend. Every day as soon as she’s home from school > > girl-next-door is ringing our bell to see if DD can play. Every weekend > > she’s at the door by 9am to see if DD can play. If she’s outside and we > > pull into the driveway from somewhere, as soon as we’re out of the car > she’s > > asking if DD can play. DD gets fed up, but tries very hard to be tactful. > > Now neighbor mom has begun. Yesterday afternoon DD & NG played. NG > wanted > > to spend the next and coerced DD into asking me (I was just a few feet > away > > and was able to listen to all of this). Pointed out that we had things > > going on all morning, so they would have to be up early and NG would have > to > > head home about 9:30 to which they agreed. We pulled into the driveway at > > 11:00 and NG was standing next to the doors when we opened them, so DD > went > > to play with her. DD came back home today at 12:30 to tell me that NG was > > restricted from riding bikes with her because she went farther from home > > than her mom allows (i.e. out of sight of mom sitting on the front porch). > > Got a call a few minutes later from neighbor mom explaining what had > > happened and that it would be ok for DD to play, but that NG could no > longer > > ride her bike. Explained that DD was busy doing some work right now. 3 > > times during the hour this took NG called to ask if DD could play; each > time > > I told her DD was busy. Just as DD finished another friend showed up at > the > > door. DD decided that since she had played with NG all afternoon for an > > overnight, and a good portion of the morning, and since she’s not made > plans > > to play with NG but was simply told that it would be ok to come over if > she > > wanted, she’s play with her other friend. > > So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out > with > > another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She > > demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and > > that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that > I > > was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for > > quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the > > door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone > > off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would > > call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and > > many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with > > someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, > and > > was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I > tried > > very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out > that > > no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to > > cut the cord loose. > > How do I handle this?

Response:

> Ok. Tell NG that DD is a busy girl, but will reserve ONE day a week, just to > play with her. NG needs to build a new life based on something other than > your daughter. > Then STICK with the program. > rationing out a day like this buys into the idea that the neighbor child > is entitled to a claim on this other girl’s time — bad idea — the thing > to stick to is to be available some of the time when she wants to be — > and not when she doesn’t

What you say makes sense. I don’t mean to contradict. However- sometimes, with next door neighbors, we’re called upon to make at least brief appearances even though our hearts might not be totally into it. It’s sort of like thank-you notes to grandparents; sometimes part staying on good terms with those closest to you. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > If anyone has been in this situation before I’d love some advice. The > > next-door neighbors have a girl who’s 6–DD is 9. DD has many friends all > > around the block, and from outside activities that she does. Neighbor > girl > > (NG) has DD for a friend. Every day as soon as she’s home from school > > girl-next-door is ringing our bell to see if DD can play. Every weekend > > she’s at the door by 9am to see if DD can play. If she’s outside and we > > pull into the driveway from somewhere, as soon as we’re out of the car > she’s > > asking if DD can play. DD gets fed up, but tries very hard to be tactful. > > Now neighbor mom has begun. Yesterday afternoon DD & NG played. NG > wanted > > to spend the next and coerced DD into asking me (I was just a few feet > away > > and was able to listen to all of this). Pointed out that we had things > > going on all morning, so they would have to be up early and NG would have > to > > head home about 9:30 to which they agreed. We pulled into the driveway at > > 11:00 and NG was standing next to the doors when we opened them, so DD > went > > to play with her. DD came back home today at 12:30 to tell me that NG was > > restricted from riding bikes with her because she went farther from home > > than her mom allows (i.e. out of sight of mom sitting on the front porch). > > Got a call a few minutes later from neighbor mom explaining what had > > happened and that it would be ok for DD to play, but that NG could no > longer > > ride her bike. Explained that DD was busy doing some work right now. 3 > > times during the hour this took NG called to ask if DD could play; each > time > > I told her DD was busy. Just as DD finished another friend showed up at > the > > door. DD decided that since she had played with NG all afternoon for an > > overnight, and a good portion of the morning, and since she’s not made > plans > > to play with NG but was simply told that it would be ok to come over if > she > > wanted, she’s play with her other friend. > > So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out > with > > another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She > > demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and > > that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that > I > > was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for > > quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the > > door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone > > off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would > > call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and > > many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with > > someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, > and > > was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I > tried > > very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out > that > > no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to > > cut the cord loose. > > How do I handle this?

Response:

> The way you handle this is to BUTT OUT! Let the kids work it out.

while I think this is wise in general — it is also up to Mom to teach her daughter how to deal with unwanted demands on her time — if she doesn’t learn that she has the right to say no now — it will help establish a pattern where she is taken advantage of when she is older. many girls and women confuse politeness with doormatness — and such women are the ones who date guys they don’t like that much because he is ‘nice’ and I don’t want to hurt his feelings, or who sleep with men they don’t really want to because they don’t know how to say no to a good friend etc etc —- the daughter needs help in how to say no politely and not feel guilty about it. This isn’t Mom intervening with the neighbor — but teaching her daughter how to unappologetically decline to play when she doesn’t want to. > As for the irate mother calling you, you should have said "Look, I really > don’t want to argue with you over the kids. You know how kids are, one > minute they are friends, the next they are fighting, then they are friends > again. Adults, however, cannot take back what they say. I try not to get > involved with the children’s fights because we live next door to each other > and I don’t want to be fighting with you."

good script – the ‘you know kids’ line is almost always the right approach — it implies the BOTH kids are ‘to blame’ or whatever — that it is kids’ stuff and doesn’t put the other parent on the defensive. even when the other kid IS awful — the ‘you know kids’ line implies that on some other occasion you knkow YOUR kid may be the awful one [which of course is true] – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> When you see your neighbor, be friendly and talk about other things. Your > daughter has to learn to handle this herself. If she does not want to play > with NG then she has to tell her, not you. Stay out of it or you will be > enemies with your neighbor. And I don’t think that you want to do that. > You do need your neighbors, it just makes life so much nicer. The same goes > for your neighbor. If your DD doesn’t want to play then the neighbor needs > to explain to her daughter that your daughter is busy and "let’s find > something else to do". > I have been there, done that. My kids have been on both sides of this, > rejecting and being rejected. I remain good friends with my neighbor. She > too got heated over the kids and when I explained how I do not want to get > involved, she realized I was right and backed off. When my kids were > "rejected" I helped them find something else to do. Like go to the park, > ask another friend over, etc. When my kids were bothered by neighbor child, > I told them to nicely explain that they don’t feel like playing with him > today. That they want to take "a break" from playing. The kids understood > each other and there were no fights. Kids CAN handle this sort of thing and > they understand each other’s feelings very well. > Bottom line: The parents should stay out of this and let the kids handle > it. > Mary Ellen > If anyone has been in this situation before I’d love some advice. The > next-door neighbors have a girl who’s 6–DD is 9. DD has many friends all > around the block, and from outside activities that she does. Neighbor > girl > (NG) has DD for a friend. Every day as soon as she’s home from school > girl-next-door is ringing our bell to see if DD can play. Every weekend > she’s at the door by 9am to see if DD can play. If she’s outside and we > pull into the driveway from somewhere, as soon as we’re out of the car > she’s > asking if DD can play. DD gets fed up, but tries very hard to be tactful. > Now neighbor mom has begun. Yesterday afternoon DD & NG played. NG > wanted > to spend the next and coerced DD into asking me (I was just a few feet > away > and was able to listen to all of this). Pointed out that we had things > going on all morning, so they would have to be up early and NG would have > to > head home about 9:30 to which they agreed. We pulled into the driveway at > 11:00 and NG was standing next to the doors when we opened them, so DD > went > to play with her. DD came back home today at 12:30 to tell me that NG was > restricted from riding bikes with her because she went farther from home > than her mom allows (i.e. out of sight of mom sitting on the front porch). > Got a call a few minutes later from neighbor mom explaining what had > happened and that it would be ok for DD to play, but that NG could no > longer > ride her bike. Explained that DD was busy doing some work right now. 3 > times during the hour this took NG called to ask if DD could play; each > time > I told her DD was busy. Just as DD finished another friend showed up at > the > door. DD decided that since she had played with NG all afternoon for an > overnight, and a good portion of the morning, and since she’s not made > plans > to play with NG but was simply told that it would be ok to come over if > she > wanted, she’s play with her other friend. > So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out > with > another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She > demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and > that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that > I > was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for > quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the > door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone > off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would > call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and > many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with > someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, > and > was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I > tried > very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out > that > no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to > cut the cord loose. > How do I handle this?

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out with > another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She > demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and > that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that I > was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for > quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the > door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone > off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would > call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and > many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with > someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, and > was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I tried > very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out that > no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to > cut the cord loose. > How do I handle this? > oh wow — no wonder the poor NG is so socially incompetent — she has a > socially incompetent Mom. This is a tough one because NM feels entitled > to your time — and she lives next door where she can monitor your every > move. It is grotesquely insensitive and self centered but there it is. > You need to firmly tell neighbor Mom that the girls are quite a bit > different in age and that she needs to work on developing a circle of > friends closer in age to her daughter.

Ack! And how do you think the neighbor will react to this "firm telling"? She already called up irate over something so small! If you do this then you and your neighbor will be enemies. Tell your neighbor that this is between the girls and you are not going to get involved. These kids will work it out together, trust me. They will probably do a better job than any adult can. Mary Ellen Your daughter enjoys NG’s company – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> and playing with her some of the time, but also has many other interests > and friends and won’t be available as a playmate constantly — and that > this her time is likely to be more and more unavailable as they get older > and she is more involved in school groups etc. > When you tell her this you might have an invititation ‘we are going to the > park friday afternoon and would love to have NG come with us’ to reinforce > the idea that NG is welcome on your terms but is not welcome to assume > that she has a ‘right’ to your daughter’s time. The ‘no fair’ stuff is > babyish. Your daughter is a person entitled to her own friends and life > — and she needs to learn that it is okay to say no before she is dealing > with this same sort of thing with boys. Lots of girls have trouble > declining dates and lots more because they have felt that it was polite > to be imposed on. > Just like later for a date,the only reason DD needs in order to decline to > play with NG is ‘I don’t want to’. All the ‘busy now – call later’ > excuses just reinforce NG’s and NM’s view that they are entitled to her > time. The way for DD to announce ‘I don’t want to’ is to say something > like ‘I can’t do that this afternoon’ — nothing more — if NG demands > ‘why not’ — the only reason — ‘well I just can’t do that today.’ No > excuses, no reasons — [just a polite and neutral statement of > unavailability]

Response:

Your daughter is old enough to deal with this girl herself. Don’t make excuses for your daughter, let your daughter be the one to tell NG that she is busy or doesn’t feel like playing with her today. Don’t do the talking for your daughter. You really need to stay out of this. Your daughter telling NG she is busy is so much different coming from her than from you. Coming from you opens the door for NM to call and get mad at you. Kids say things to each other and then the next day they are friends, as if nothing happened. For adults it is so different. Once an adult says something to another, it cannot be taken back. And feelings are hurt, grudges are taken and then you’re not speaking to each other. You don’t have to be best friends with your neighbor but you don’t want to be enemies either. This mother is overprotective with the color of the nail polish, etc. This little girl must be in school and have friends there. Her mother needs to arrange playdates with girls in her class. How do you get this across to her? I don’t know how close you are with her and how comfortable you are with talking to her about this. If your daughter keeps telling this girl that she is busy, wants a break from her, etc. hopefully your neighbors will get the message and look for other playmates. I know how hard it is to stay out of this but the problem is between the kids so let them handle it. Don’t let it lead to being a problem between the adults. Your neighbor was wrong to call you. She should have helped her daughter handle this. Her daughter needs to learn that you cannot force people to be your friend. Hey, rejection happens in life. She should have taught her daughter to accept it and move onto something else. Another activity or to call another friend to play with. Mary Ellen

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’ve read thru what others have written & agree with it. > In addition, maybe an opportunity will come up to tell NM that some of > her restrictions for NG make it unfun for the other children to play > with her (such as having to get step by step approval for everything). > It sounds as though NG has been to your house enough for you to know > what snacks she can eat (perhaps she has some food allergies her mom > is worried about?) & what games she can play. If you have the > opportunity to talk with NM, tell her the snacks you know NG has been > allowed before so she knows you know, same with the games. But if the > opportunity doesn’t present itself… don’t know. > On the other hand, you can make the opportunity to talk with NG about > sharing (as in not expecting to have 100% of DD’s time), and nice ways > to ask stuff or such. Here, I’m thinking of my own DSD (step > daughter) who currently tells her Gran to take her places instead of > the more socially acceptable way of dropping big hints & just having > to wait & see if Gran will understand. > Take care of yourself, > Melody >If anyone has been in this situation before I’d love some advice. The >next-door neighbors have a girl who’s 6–DD is 9. DD has many friends all >around the block, and from outside activities that she does. Neighbor girl >(NG) has DD for a friend. Every day as soon as she’s home from school >girl-next-door is ringing our bell to see if DD can play. Every weekend >she’s at the door by 9am to see if DD can play. If she’s outside and we >pull into the driveway from somewhere, as soon as we’re out of the car she’s >asking if DD can play. DD gets fed up, but tries very hard to be tactful. >Now neighbor mom has begun. Yesterday afternoon DD & NG played. NG wanted >to spend the next and coerced DD into asking me (I was just a few feet away >and was able to listen to all of this). Pointed out that we had things >going on all morning, so they would have to be up early and NG would have to >head home about 9:30 to which they agreed. We pulled into the driveway at >11:00 and NG was standing next to the doors when we opened them, so DD went >to play with her. DD came back home today at 12:30 to tell me that NG was >restricted from riding bikes with her because she went farther from home >than her mom allows (i.e. out of sight of mom sitting on the front porch). >Got a call a few minutes later from neighbor mom explaining what had >happened and that it would be ok for DD to play, but that NG could no longer >ride her bike. Explained that DD was busy doing some work right now. 3 >times during the hour this took NG called to ask if DD could play; each time >I told her DD was busy. Just as DD finished another friend showed up at the >door. DD decided that since she had played with NG all afternoon for an >overnight, and a good portion of the morning, and since she’s not made plans >to play with NG but was simply told that it would be ok to come over if she >wanted, she’s play with her other friend. >So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out with >another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She >demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and >that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that I >was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for >quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the >door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone >off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would >call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and >many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with >someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, and >was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I tried >very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out that >no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to >cut the cord loose. >How do I handle this?

Response:

All of which is appropriate for a girl of just six. What’s needed here is a Mom willing to arrange some playdates with girls her age, and mix that more gracefully with also her daughter playing sometimes with the older girls on the block. Methinks she simply finds having a hold on an instant playmate right next door for her daughter is so much more convenient. >The part of this that’s really causing problems it that if NG calls when DD >is out or busy and I tell her this, she expects that as soon as DD is free >DD’ll rush over to her house. If she gets home or finishes what she’s doing >and decides to play with someone else, NG has a fit because she feels that >DD should play with her and not someone else.

My son went through a very similar thing with friends next door, who were also friends with each other, at about this age. All the jealousy and who-was-playing-with-whom-first sounds verrrrry familiar. >Now mom is joining in on >this. I could understand their feelings if DD had said something like "I’ll >play with you at 1:00 please come over then" but at 1:00 is off with someone >else. But what we have is things like we’ll tell NG that DD is cleaning her >room or at scouts, or finishing her school work or practicing the piano (all >valid things to be doing) and we’ll let DD know that NG called. NG then >develops a belief that DD will rush over to play as soon as she’s free. >They can’t seem to understand that just because DH or I say that we’ll give >DD the message that NG called or stopped by, that is not an agreement to >play later. >Lesa

NG’s mom needs to help her with all that. Banty

Response:

The way you handle this is to BUTT OUT! Let the kids work it out. As for the irate mother calling you, you should have said "Look, I really don’t want to argue with you over the kids. You know how kids are, one minute they are friends, the next they are fighting, then they are friends again. Adults, however, cannot take back what they say. I try not to get involved with the children’s fights because we live next door to each other and I don’t want to be fighting with you." When you see your neighbor, be friendly and talk about other things. Your daughter has to learn to handle this herself. If she does not want to play with NG then she has to tell her, not you. Stay out of it or you will be enemies with your neighbor. And I don’t think that you want to do that. You do need your neighbors, it just makes life so much nicer. The same goes for your neighbor. If your DD doesn’t want to play then the neighbor needs to explain to her daughter that your daughter is busy and "let’s find something else to do". I have been there, done that. My kids have been on both sides of this, rejecting and being rejected. I remain good friends with my neighbor. She too got heated over the kids and when I explained how I do not want to get involved, she realized I was right and backed off. When my kids were "rejected" I helped them find something else to do. Like go to the park, ask another friend over, etc. When my kids were bothered by neighbor child, I told them to nicely explain that they don’t feel like playing with him today. That they want to take "a break" from playing. The kids understood each other and there were no fights. Kids CAN handle this sort of thing and they understand each other’s feelings very well. Bottom line: The parents should stay out of this and let the kids handle it. Mary Ellen

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> If anyone has been in this situation before I’d love some advice. The > next-door neighbors have a girl who’s 6–DD is 9. DD has many friends all > around the block, and from outside activities that she does. Neighbor girl > (NG) has DD for a friend. Every day as soon as she’s home from school > girl-next-door is ringing our bell to see if DD can play. Every weekend > she’s at the door by 9am to see if DD can play. If she’s outside and we > pull into the driveway from somewhere, as soon as we’re out of the car she’s > asking if DD can play. DD gets fed up, but tries very hard to be tactful. > Now neighbor mom has begun. Yesterday afternoon DD & NG played. NG wanted > to spend the next and coerced DD into asking me (I was just a few feet away > and was able to listen to all of this). Pointed out that we had things > going on all morning, so they would have to be up early and NG would have to > head home about 9:30 to which they agreed. We pulled into the driveway at > 11:00 and NG was standing next to the doors when we opened them, so DD went > to play with her. DD came back home today at 12:30 to tell me that NG was > restricted from riding bikes with her because she went farther from home > than her mom allows (i.e. out of sight of mom sitting on the front porch). > Got a call a few minutes later from neighbor mom explaining what had > happened and that it would be ok for DD to play, but that NG could no longer > ride her bike. Explained that DD was busy doing some work right now. 3 > times during the hour this took NG called to ask if DD could play; each time > I told her DD was busy. Just as DD finished another friend showed up at the > door. DD decided that since she had played with NG all afternoon for an > overnight, and a good portion of the morning, and since she’s not made plans > to play with NG but was simply told that it would be ok to come over if she > wanted, she’s play with her other friend. > So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out with > another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She > demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and > that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that I > was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for > quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the > door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone > off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would > call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and > many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with > someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, and > was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I tried > very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out that > no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to > cut the cord loose. > How do I handle this?

Response:

I’ve read thru what others have written & agree with it. In addition, maybe an opportunity will come up to tell NM that some of her restrictions for NG make it unfun for the other children to play with her (such as having to get step by step approval for everything). It sounds as though NG has been to your house enough for you to know what snacks she can eat (perhaps she has some food allergies her mom is worried about?) & what games she can play. If you have the opportunity to talk with NM, tell her the snacks you know NG has been allowed before so she knows you know, same with the games. But if the opportunity doesn’t present itself… don’t know. On the other hand, you can make the opportunity to talk with NG about sharing (as in not expecting to have 100% of DD’s time), and nice ways to ask stuff or such. Here, I’m thinking of my own DSD (step daughter) who currently tells her Gran to take her places instead of the more socially acceptable way of dropping big hints & just having to wait & see if Gran will understand. Take care of yourself, Melody – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->If anyone has been in this situation before I’d love some advice. The >next-door neighbors have a girl who’s 6–DD is 9. DD has many friends all >around the block, and from outside activities that she does. Neighbor girl >(NG) has DD for a friend. Every day as soon as she’s home from school >girl-next-door is ringing our bell to see if DD can play. Every weekend >she’s at the door by 9am to see if DD can play. If she’s outside and we >pull into the driveway from somewhere, as soon as we’re out of the car she’s >asking if DD can play. DD gets fed up, but tries very hard to be tactful. >Now neighbor mom has begun. Yesterday afternoon DD & NG played. NG wanted >to spend the next and coerced DD into asking me (I was just a few feet away >and was able to listen to all of this). Pointed out that we had things >going on all morning, so they would have to be up early and NG would have to >head home about 9:30 to which they agreed. We pulled into the driveway at >11:00 and NG was standing next to the doors when we opened them, so DD went >to play with her. DD came back home today at 12:30 to tell me that NG was >restricted from riding bikes with her because she went farther from home >than her mom allows (i.e. out of sight of mom sitting on the front porch). >Got a call a few minutes later from neighbor mom explaining what had >happened and that it would be ok for DD to play, but that NG could no longer >ride her bike. Explained that DD was busy doing some work right now. 3 >times during the hour this took NG called to ask if DD could play; each time >I told her DD was busy. Just as DD finished another friend showed up at the >door. DD decided that since she had played with NG all afternoon for an >overnight, and a good portion of the morning, and since she’s not made plans >to play with NG but was simply told that it would be ok to come over if she >wanted, she’s play with her other friend. >So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out with >another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She >demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and >that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that I >was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for >quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the >door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone >off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would >call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and >many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with >someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, and >was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I tried >very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out that >no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to >cut the cord loose. >How do I handle this?

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> When they act irate apologize and hang up or hear something boiling > over. When they make demands tell them you don’t want to but blithely. > Ask her if she wants a cookie and talk to her while she’s chewing and > note that she needs more friends and that you need to introduce her to > everybody else whom you know, this will get her socially busy and less > self-involved with worry about "losing". People like this are terrified > others won’t like them, and if you give them too many friends suddenly > they perk right up and stop acting needy. > What do you do if you see a needy person? You give them a cookie and > some more friends!! Simple! > Steve > Unfortunately Steve, it’s not this simple. We have introduced her to the > other girls on the block. Unfortunately the other girls on the block are > all 9-11 and she’s 6. When they go biking NG is only allowed to bike if her > mom or dad is sitting on the front porch watching and then only where they > can see her–the other girls bike around the block. When the girls put on > nail polish she has to call her mother and have the color approved first. > When the girls have a snack, she has to call home to have the food approved > first. When they play a video game, she has to call home and have the game > approved first. The other kids have given up on her and don’t come to ask > her to play. She doesn’t leave her yard except to come to our house so DD > gets all of it. > The part of this that’s really causing problems it that if NG calls when DD > is out or busy and I tell her this, she expects that as soon as DD is free > DD’ll rush over to her house. If she gets home or finishes what she’s doing > and decides to play with someone else, NG has a fit because she feels that > DD should play with her and not someone else. Now mom is joining in on > this. I could understand their feelings if DD had said something like "I’ll > play with you at 1:00 please come over then" but at 1:00 is off with someone > else. But what we have is things like we’ll tell NG that DD is cleaning her > room or at scouts, or finishing her school work or practicing the piano (all > valid things to be doing) and we’ll let DD know that NG called. NG then > develops a belief that DD will rush over to play as soon as she’s free. > They can’t seem to understand that just because DH or I say that we’ll give > DD the message that NG called or stopped by, that is not an agreement to > play later. > Lesa

your problem is that you are making excuses and buying into the idea that if she weren’t busy cleaning her room then her time would belong to the neighbor — less information is what is needed here. ’DD won’t be able to play with you today – she has other plans’ is the most that should be said. This is a tough one — but the more matter of fact you are and the less you buy into the running argument – the better off you will be.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> When they act irate apologize and hang up or hear something boiling > over. When they make demands tell them you don’t want to but blithely. > Ask her if she wants a cookie and talk to her while she’s chewing and > note that she needs more friends and that you need to introduce her to > everybody else whom you know, this will get her socially busy and less > self-involved with worry about "losing". People like this are terrified > others won’t like them, and if you give them too many friends suddenly > they perk right up and stop acting needy. > What do you do if you see a needy person? You give them a cookie and > some more friends!! Simple! > Steve > Unfortunately Steve, it’s not this simple. We have introduced her to the > other girls on the block. Unfortunately the other girls on the block are > all 9-11 and she’s 6. When they go biking NG is only allowed to bike if her > mom or dad is sitting on the front porch watching and then only where they > can see her–the other girls bike around the block. When the girls put on > nail polish she has to call her mother and have the color approved first. > When the girls have a snack, she has to call home to have the food approved > first. When they play a video game, she has to call home and have the game > approved first. The other kids have given up on her and don’t come to ask > her to play. She doesn’t leave her yard except to come to our house so DD > gets all of it. > The part of this that’s really causing problems it that if NG calls when DD > is out or busy and I tell her this, she expects that as soon as DD is free > DD’ll rush over to her house. If she gets home or finishes what she’s doing > and decides to play with someone else, NG has a fit because she feels that > DD should play with her and not someone else. Now mom is joining in on > this. I could understand their feelings if DD had said something like "I’ll > play with you at 1:00 please come over then" but at 1:00 is off with someone > else. But what we have is things like we’ll tell NG that DD is cleaning her > room or at scouts, or finishing her school work or practicing the piano (all > valid things to be doing) and we’ll let DD know that NG called. NG then > develops a belief that DD will rush over to play as soon as she’s free. > They can’t seem to understand that just because DH or I say that we’ll give > DD the message that NG called or stopped by, that is not an agreement to > play later. > Lesa

Okay, the mother is an overprotective nutcake, but you don’t have to buy into it. If you simply keep your daughter away from her daughter her mother might simply crack under the community pressure upon her and her daughter’s disappointment. Tell her you think she’s totally crazy and is being overbearing and neurotic. Steve

Response:

rationing out a day like this buys into the idea that the neighbor child is entitled to a claim on this other girl’s time — bad idea — the thing to stick to is to be available some of the time when she wants to be — and not when she doesn’t – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> If anyone has been in this situation before I’d love some advice. The > next-door neighbors have a girl who’s 6–DD is 9. DD has many friends all > around the block, and from outside activities that she does. Neighbor > girl > (NG) has DD for a friend. Every day as soon as she’s home from school > girl-next-door is ringing our bell to see if DD can play. Every weekend > she’s at the door by 9am to see if DD can play. If she’s outside and we > pull into the driveway from somewhere, as soon as we’re out of the car > she’s > asking if DD can play. DD gets fed up, but tries very hard to be tactful. > Now neighbor mom has begun. Yesterday afternoon DD & NG played. NG > wanted > to spend the next and coerced DD into asking me (I was just a few feet > away > and was able to listen to all of this). Pointed out that we had things > going on all morning, so they would have to be up early and NG would have > to > head home about 9:30 to which they agreed. We pulled into the driveway at > 11:00 and NG was standing next to the doors when we opened them, so DD > went > to play with her. DD came back home today at 12:30 to tell me that NG was > restricted from riding bikes with her because she went farther from home > than her mom allows (i.e. out of sight of mom sitting on the front porch). > Got a call a few minutes later from neighbor mom explaining what had > happened and that it would be ok for DD to play, but that NG could no > longer > ride her bike. Explained that DD was busy doing some work right now. 3 > times during the hour this took NG called to ask if DD could play; each > time > I told her DD was busy. Just as DD finished another friend showed up at > the > door. DD decided that since she had played with NG all afternoon for an > overnight, and a good portion of the morning, and since she’s not made > plans > to play with NG but was simply told that it would be ok to come over if > she > wanted, she’s play with her other friend. > So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out > with > another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She > demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and > that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that > I > was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for > quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the > door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone > off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would > call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and > many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with > someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, > and > was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I > tried > very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out > that > no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to > cut the cord loose. > How do I handle this?

Response:

With my experiences with people like this, there really is nothing you can do. 99% of the time, what has happened with me is that I would continue as you are, being nice but not letting them run your life. Eventually they will get mad, avoid you like the plague for the summer, then the waters will still. It just takes time for these type of people to realise that other people have thier own lives and if they want to be a part of it, that they cannot control you or your daughter. With them it is all or nothing and they will eventually find out that you and your DD can’t give them your all and that a little bit of something is better than nothing. With the other 1%, the person found someone else to latch on to.

Response:

Ok. Tell NG that DD is a busy girl, but will reserve ONE day a week, just to play with her. NG needs to build a new life based on something other than your daughter. Then STICK with the program.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out with > another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She > demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and > that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that I > was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for > quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the > door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone > off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would > call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and > many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with > someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, and > was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I tried > very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out that > no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to > cut the cord loose. > How do I handle this?

oh wow — no wonder the poor NG is so socially incompetent — she has a socially incompetent Mom. This is a tough one because NM feels entitled to your time — and she lives next door where she can monitor your every move. It is grotesquely insensitive and self centered but there it is. You need to firmly tell neighbor Mom that the girls are quite a bit different in age and that she needs to work on developing a circle of friends closer in age to her daughter. Your daughter enjoys NG’s company and playing with her some of the time, but also has many other interests and friends and won’t be available as a playmate constantly — and that this her time is likely to be more and more unavailable as they get older and she is more involved in school groups etc. When you tell her this you might have an invititation ‘we are going to the park friday afternoon and would love to have NG come with us’ to reinforce the idea that NG is welcome on your terms but is not welcome to assume that she has a ‘right’ to your daughter’s time. The ‘no fair’ stuff is babyish. Your daughter is a person entitled to her own friends and life — and she needs to learn that it is okay to say no before she is dealing with this same sort of thing with boys. Lots of girls have trouble declining dates and lots more because they have felt that it was polite to be imposed on. Just like later for a date,the only reason DD needs in order to decline to play with NG is ‘I don’t want to’. All the ‘busy now – call later’ excuses just reinforce NG’s and NM’s view that they are entitled to her time. The way for DD to announce ‘I don’t want to’ is to say something like ‘I can’t do that this afternoon’ — nothing more — if NG demands ‘why not’ — the only reason — ‘well I just can’t do that today.’ No excuses, no reasons — [just a polite and neutral statement of unavailability]

Response:

> When they act irate apologize and hang up or hear something boiling > over. When they make demands tell them you don’t want to but blithely. > Ask her if she wants a cookie and talk to her while she’s chewing and > note that she needs more friends and that you need to introduce her to > everybody else whom you know, this will get her socially busy and less > self-involved with worry about "losing". People like this are terrified > others won’t like them, and if you give them too many friends suddenly > they perk right up and stop acting needy. > What do you do if you see a needy person? You give them a cookie and > some more friends!! Simple! > Steve

Unfortunately Steve, it’s not this simple. We have introduced her to the other girls on the block. Unfortunately the other girls on the block are all 9-11 and she’s 6. When they go biking NG is only allowed to bike if her mom or dad is sitting on the front porch watching and then only where they can see her–the other girls bike around the block. When the girls put on nail polish she has to call her mother and have the color approved first. When the girls have a snack, she has to call home to have the food approved first. When they play a video game, she has to call home and have the game approved first. The other kids have given up on her and don’t come to ask her to play. She doesn’t leave her yard except to come to our house so DD gets all of it. The part of this that’s really causing problems it that if NG calls when DD is out or busy and I tell her this, she expects that as soon as DD is free DD’ll rush over to her house. If she gets home or finishes what she’s doing and decides to play with someone else, NG has a fit because she feels that DD should play with her and not someone else. Now mom is joining in on this. I could understand their feelings if DD had said something like "I’ll play with you at 1:00 please come over then" but at 1:00 is off with someone else. But what we have is things like we’ll tell NG that DD is cleaning her room or at scouts, or finishing her school work or practicing the piano (all valid things to be doing) and we’ll let DD know that NG called. NG then develops a belief that DD will rush over to play as soon as she’s free. They can’t seem to understand that just because DH or I say that we’ll give DD the message that NG called or stopped by, that is not an agreement to play later. Lesa

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > If anyone has been in this situation before I’d love some advice. The > next-door neighbors have a girl who’s 6–DD is 9. DD has many friends all > around the block, and from outside activities that she does. Neighbor girl > (NG) has DD for a friend. Every day as soon as she’s home from school > girl-next-door is ringing our bell to see if DD can play. Every weekend > she’s at the door by 9am to see if DD can play. If she’s outside and we > pull into the driveway from somewhere, as soon as we’re out of the car she’s > asking if DD can play. DD gets fed up, but tries very hard to be tactful. > Now neighbor mom has begun. Yesterday afternoon DD & NG played. NG wanted > to spend the next and coerced DD into asking me (I was just a few feet away > and was able to listen to all of this). Pointed out that we had things > going on all morning, so they would have to be up early and NG would have to > head home about 9:30 to which they agreed. We pulled into the driveway at > 11:00 and NG was standing next to the doors when we opened them, so DD went > to play with her. DD came back home today at 12:30 to tell me that NG was > restricted from riding bikes with her because she went farther from home > than her mom allows (i.e. out of sight of mom sitting on the front porch). > Got a call a few minutes later from neighbor mom explaining what had > happened and that it would be ok for DD to play, but that NG could no longer > ride her bike. Explained that DD was busy doing some work right now. 3 > times during the hour this took NG called to ask if DD could play; each time > I told her DD was busy. Just as DD finished another friend showed up at the > door. DD decided that since she had played with NG all afternoon for an > overnight, and a good portion of the morning, and since she’s not made plans > to play with NG but was simply told that it would be ok to come over if she > wanted, she’s play with her other friend. > So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out with > another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She > demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and > that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that I > was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for > quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the > door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone > off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would > call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and > many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with > someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, and > was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I tried > very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out that > no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to > cut the cord loose. > How do I handle this?

When they act irate apologize and hang up or hear something boiling over. When they make demands tell them you don’t want to but blithely. Ask her if she wants a cookie and talk to her while she’s chewing and note that she needs more friends and that you need to introduce her to everybody else whom you know, this will get her socially busy and less self-involved with worry about "losing". People like this are terrified others won’t like them, and if you give them too many friends suddenly they perk right up and stop acting needy. What do you do if you see a needy person? You give them a cookie and some more friends!! Simple! Steve

Response:

If anyone has been in this situation before I’d love some advice. The next-door neighbors have a girl who’s 6–DD is 9. DD has many friends all around the block, and from outside activities that she does. Neighbor girl (NG) has DD for a friend. Every day as soon as she’s home from school girl-next-door is ringing our bell to see if DD can play. Every weekend she’s at the door by 9am to see if DD can play. If she’s outside and we pull into the driveway from somewhere, as soon as we’re out of the car she’s asking if DD can play. DD gets fed up, but tries very hard to be tactful. Now neighbor mom has begun. Yesterday afternoon DD & NG played. NG wanted to spend the next and coerced DD into asking me (I was just a few feet away and was able to listen to all of this). Pointed out that we had things going on all morning, so they would have to be up early and NG would have to head home about 9:30 to which they agreed. We pulled into the driveway at 11:00 and NG was standing next to the doors when we opened them, so DD went to play with her. DD came back home today at 12:30 to tell me that NG was restricted from riding bikes with her because she went farther from home than her mom allows (i.e. out of sight of mom sitting on the front porch). Got a call a few minutes later from neighbor mom explaining what had happened and that it would be ok for DD to play, but that NG could no longer ride her bike. Explained that DD was busy doing some work right now. 3 times during the hour this took NG called to ask if DD could play; each time I told her DD was busy. Just as DD finished another friend showed up at the door. DD decided that since she had played with NG all afternoon for an overnight, and a good portion of the morning, and since she’s not made plans to play with NG but was simply told that it would be ok to come over if she wanted, she’s play with her other friend. So shortly after DD leaves, NG calls again. I told her that DD was out with another friend. A short while later NG’s mom calls to "have it out". She demanded to know why DD was playing with someone else rather than NG and that this was not fair to just go off with someone else. I told her that I was sorry that NG was feeling upset, but that DD had played with NG for quite some time and wanted to play with another friend who had come to the door. NG;s mom as irate that this was not the first time that DD had gone off to play with someone else after being told that DD was busy and would call her later. I tired to point out that DD does have other friends and many times simply wanted to ride around the block on her scooter with someone, or share a new CD with someone who also liked a certain group, and was going to call NG in a few minutes when she retuned from this. I tried very hard to be diplomatic about it, but very much wanted to point out that no plans had been made and that DD has her own life and the NG has got to cut the cord loose. How do I handle this?

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