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Am I about to make a major faux pas…
Question:
> It was also mentioned as an aside in one of my 1940s ettiquette books > by Elinor _?__ . Mind you, these might not be considered "the" > ettiquette references, but the concept is out there in printed literature, > and has been for some time, so people aren’t just pulling it out of > thin air or morphing it into something to their advantage (whereby > the "one year rule" becomes one year to write thank you notes).
Certainly in days of "old" this "rule" existed. There is no dispute about that. But in "modern times" this rule simply has no application, thus respected American etiquette experts decry this out-moded "rule". With registries in multiple cities, registries on-line, registry tracking, shopping available over the telephone, massive use of credit cards (thus making transactions so quick and easy), there is no sensible reason to postpone giving a gift, especially a year after the event. In "olden" times, the conveniences were not available and bridal preferences were not always known (since the polite bride did not go about broadcasting such on the internet or via those business-sized cards stuffed in invitations). Thus, it was not always practical to give a gift until the donor, in consideration of the bride, was sure of a specific need or desire. In 1940, unless one lived in a major metropolitan area, it was quite difficult to exchange or return unneeded gifts. And with limited use of telephones, getting out the word on bridal preferences was limited to personal word of mouth for the most part. And well-to-do couples often took honeymoons of several weeks, thus consulting with them afterward was often many months after the wedding. A lot has changed in the past 50 years. Whereas having up to a year in days of old was considered the norm in the World War II era, with the advantages and conveniences of the 90s it’s simply rude to wait that long. Thus, modern American etiquette books say wedding gifts should be delivered prior to the wedding, or include a note of explanation and apology if the gift is sent afterward. Noe — Disclaimer: This answer may preclude those whose religion requires otherwise, those whose cultural upbringing demands otherwise or those who have community norms practiced without exception to the contrary.
Response:
RE: the "one year" rule for giving gifts > Judith Martin 1990, _Miss Manners’ guide for the turn-of-the millennium_ > (New York: Fireside), p. 647: > The true one-year rule in connection with wedding presents is one the > brides don’t seem to care for. It is that these presents may be sent > up to a year following the wedding. Efficient people, who have kindly > sent presents promptly, only to find that the marriage is in danger by > the time they are received, might do well to take advantage of this > leeway. >Do we not recognize serious sarcasm when it is presented? Waiting to see >if a marriage lasts a whole year before sending a gift says that one does >not really have want to bestow their best wishes on the couple. How uterly >ridiculous and rude.
If I remember this passage correctly, the answer quoted above is in answer to "Don’t I have a year to write my thank you notes?" *not* in regards to when it appropriate to deliver the gift. So, it seems that Ms. Manners *is* acknowledging (even in a round about way) that there is a cushion in when gifts may be sent (although she prompts the gentle reader that "efficient people … kindly sent presents promptly"). I was curious about this and looked it up over the weekend in my dusty books. Charlotte Ford also references a one-year timeframe for gifts. She pointed out that the giver may check with the couple on their return from the honeymoon to find out what might be ‘missing’ from their household gifts. I think one example she gave was a couple with all their china and crystal who needed something as simple as an iron and ironing board. In this regard, she promoted the practical aspect of finding a gift the couple truly needs. It was also mentioned as an aside in one of my 1940s ettiquette books by Elinor _?__ . Mind you, these might not be considered "the" ettiquette references, but the concept is out there in printed literature, and has been for some time, so people aren’t just pulling it out of thin air or morphing it into something to their advantage (whereby the "one year rule" becomes one year to write thank you notes). — Josie
Response:
> In article
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> Rule of ettiquette says that you have up to one year after the wedding to >> give a gift. > As I am always eager to expand my knowledge on etiquette issues, I would > be most grateful if you could provide the reference for this "rule." > Here is one. > Judith Martin 1990, _Miss Manners’ guide for the turn-of-the millennium_ > (New York: Fireside), p. 647: > The true one-year rule in connection with wedding presents is one the > brides don’t seem to care for. It is that these presents may be sent > up to a year following the wedding. Efficient people, who have kindly > sent presents promptly, only to find that the marriage is in danger by > the time they are received, might do well to take advantage of this > leeway.
Do we not recognize serious sarcasm when it is presented? Waiting to see if a marriage lasts a whole year before sending a gift says that one does not really have want to bestow their best wishes on the couple. How uterly ridiculous and rude. Judith Martin is well known for her amusing manner of writing using the best of sarcasm. This is one prime example. Noe — Disclaimer: This answer may preclude those whose religion requires otherwise, those whose cultural upbringing demands otherwise or those who have community norms practiced without exception to the contrary.
Response:
>> Is it okay to give the present after the wedding (and after the HC > Sharon >Personal opinion here.. >I don’t think that aferwards is a problem >I would though send a card sending your love and best wishes >Clare
Thanks everyone for your help……I feel better that I’m not going to be judged uncouth and ignorant….! And thats Clare, I’ll certainly get Angel and myself organised to send a card to get there before the big day (and possibly mention a "see you soon after you get back" message in the inside…! Sharon
Response:
>When not invited to the wedding, you may send a gift at any time. If >invited to the wedding, most recognzied American etiquette experts say >that the gift should be sent in advance of the wedding. >Hope this helps, >Noe
I guess my friends are pretty uncouth, then. But you knew that already. ;-) At least half of our gifts were brought to the wedding reception. (And let’s not start that debate again. We expected that and it’s perfectly acceptable in our community.) Of the other half, a few were delivered in person within a few days before or after the wedding, about two-thirds arrived via UPS or mail before the wedding and the remaining one-third or so arrived via UPS or mail after. Some of them long after, too, but I think the latest was several months, not a whole year. So at least 66% of our guests were apparently ignorant of the rule that the gift should arrive before the wedding. And this fact utterly failed to annoy or disappoint anyone. When so few people know or care about any etiquette rule, I believe it no longer counts as a rule. Holly (married Ken, 8/25/96)
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Hi everyone…. > My FMIL (well, I’m not engaged yet but you know what I mean) is > getting married on July 31st. Its a tiny wedding, Angel and I haven’t > been invited (there is no animosity whatsoever, she is a lovely woman, > but its *so* small that her younger son isn’t invited and we don’t > know about her older son – it may indeed be a guest-less wedding) in a > registry office. > We will be buying a present (because we want to….) but we won’t be > able to get it to Angel’s mum until after the wedding – is this a > horrendous faux pas..?? We could buy our intended present and get the > parcel posted off to get it there before the wedding, but as the > present is bulky and heavy it seems best to me (and more personal) to > take a day trip to see them and present the present there. > Is it okay to give the present after the wedding (and after the HC > Sharon
Personal opinion here.. I don’t think that aferwards is a problem I would though send a card sending your love and best wishes Clare
Response:
In article > Rule of ettiquette says that you have up to one year after the wedding to > give a gift. > As I am always eager to expand my knowledge on etiquette issues, I would > be most grateful if you could provide the reference for this "rule."
Here is one. Judith Martin 1990, _Miss Manners’ guide for the turn-of-the millennium_ (New York: Fireside), p. 647: The true one-year rule in connection with wedding presents is one the brides don’t seem to care for. It is that these presents may be sent up to a year following the wedding. Efficient people, who have kindly sent presents promptly, only to find that the marriage is in danger by the time they are received, might do well to take advantage of this leeway. —
Response:
Rule of ettiquette says that you have up to one year after the wedding to give a gift.
Response:
When not invited to the wedding, you may send a gift at any time. If invited to the wedding, most recognzied American etiquette experts say that the gift should be sent in advance of the wedding. Hope this helps, Noe — Additional disclaimer: This answer may preclude those whose religion requires otherwise, those whose cultural upbringing demands otherwise or those who have community norms practiced without exception to the contrary.
Response:
> Rule of ettiquette says that you have up to one year after the wedding to > give a gift.
Noted American etiquette authorities such as Post, Baldrige, Martin and Vanderbilt make no mention of this "rule". In fact, they state that wedding gifts should be delivered prior to the wedding in most instances. As I am always eager to expand my knowledge on etiquette issues, I would be most grateful if you could provide the reference for this "rule." Thanks, Noe — Additional disclaimer: This answer may preclude those whose religion requires otherwise, those whose cultural upbringing demands otherwise or those who have community norms practiced without exception to the contrary.
Response:
> Is it okay to give the present after the wedding (and after the HC
Absolutely! At wedding time, the HC are supposed to be too blissful to stop and count who has ante’d up — and it doesn’t sound like your FMIL has gifts on her mind anyway, bless her heart. Etiquette allows gifts to be sent to the couple’s home for several months (some say as long as a year) after the wedding — which is convenient for the couple, as they won’t need to move the gift! If you still worry that your FMIL may feel snubbed, send her a congratulatory card or note in advance and mention that the two of you are looking forward to seeing her after the honeymoon and bringing a little something. Personally, I would just send congratulations and then surprise her with the gift — she doesn’t sound like she’s expecting anything other than good wishes. Wende
Response:
Hi everyone…. My FMIL (well, I’m not engaged yet but you know what I mean) is getting married on July 31st. Its a tiny wedding, Angel and I haven’t been invited (there is no animosity whatsoever, she is a lovely woman, but its *so* small that her younger son isn’t invited and we don’t know about her older son – it may indeed be a guest-less wedding) in a registry office. We will be buying a present (because we want to….) but we won’t be able to get it to Angel’s mum until after the wedding – is this a horrendous faux pas..?? We could buy our intended present and get the parcel posted off to get it there before the wedding, but as the present is bulky and heavy it seems best to me (and more personal) to take a day trip to see them and present the present there. Is it okay to give the present after the wedding (and after the HC Sharon