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Part of me
Question:
>> On the puter, I make a very good first impression, witty, intelligent, > caring, worldly, wise….etc. I am the mystris of words and i can make > them dance and dazzle. >You certainly do. And you really put a finger on the stigma that was >being discussed earlier. There it is, in black and white. When I >confronted my own mother with my BP, she started talking about the lady >down the hall from her who is "mentally ill" based on her kooky >behavior, and how she doesn’t want anything to do with her. Mom, wake >up here, this is your daughter telling you I’M "mentally ill", watch how >you throw that term around.
Your mom couldn’t accept and deal with your revelation. It’s called Denial. Many of those who love us unfortunately never work their way towards Acceptance. 
Thus we are doomed to a solitary existence. >I live in fear of "telling", yet wish everyone just knew so I didn’t >have to pussy-foot around. It’s a real dilemma. >Gayle
When I told my "friends" that I had BP, they evaporated like dew on a hot summer’s morn. It’s too bad that I didn’t have leprosy. Perhaps I would have at least one or two left? <Sigh!> James — * Since I do not get a complete Newsfeed, I would appreciate receiving * * a copy of any responding posts. Please also indicate if you are * * posting as well as emailing me. Thanks for helping me out! *
Response:
Christine, If I do happen to tell people, it is because I can trust them; it comes up somehow; or it may help them cope in some way with a similar illness/situation, etc. I don’t make a big production of it, just very matter of fact tell them. I don’t want to change their expectations of me. It is a tough thing, and an issue that has had many threads devoted to it over the past several months – to tell or not. Smooth sailing, Cathy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > On the puter, I make a very good first impression, witty, intelligent, >caring, worldly, wise….etc. I am the mystris of words and i can make them >dance and dazzle. Needless to say as I have made many male friends on the >internet….management consultants, tax attorneys, mathmaticians, publishers, >writers, musicians, artists. It is a little heady at first that these men are >interested in me. But when I put my flirting in my pocket and say look there >is >more to me than this….and so I tell my tale…(i used to think that they >had >a right to know) >thinking that if were going to be my friend they had to accept the whole >package. >This, I realise now is a mistake, they can’t handle it. It colors their >vision. >If I am depressed do they think I am suicidal? If i am a bit manic do they >fear >me homicidal? And so they slowly do not reply to my e-mails…and if I peruse >them…(running after them saying "hey wait I’m not crazy honest!!"—they >run. >When I send them an instant message (aol) they suddenly get off line. Jesus >Christ, all i want to do is talk!!!!!! > This is what I have expeiranced with my other friends.where i >live…..where before dx I was brillliant and fun to talk to and insightful >and >now….they don’t call…or don’t return mine.is it paranoia?…(i stopped >calling long time ago). I have a few standbys..my kids..my mom, my neighbor >Heather, a couple of friends at aol and a few internet friends that don’t >scare >easy….and of course the new friends I have made here…(love you gobs) > Part of me wants to stop shooting myself in the foot with these >people…and just pretend I am like everyone else…but then part of me is a >rebel and a shocker and a breaker of taboos…and I want to stand up and say >"look I am not like you but I am still a person trying to play the hand that >is >dealt me….just like every other slob on the planet. And if you just be >quiet >I wouldn’t have to scream, and if you just stand still, I wouldn’t have to >chase you. I am not without rationality…. >I just get confused, and sad and angry, and hyper–like everyone else –just >more so…" > Part of me want to tell these "friends" to fuck off…that they don’t >deserve me…and they are really missing out on a wonderful friend a good >person and a facinating individual….and then part of me….the lonely >little >girl part….the always on the outside looking in part….lets a tear roll >down >her cheek. >Christine >Wrdmystris >Recreate Yourself >To Thine Ownself Be True >Wrdmystris >Recreate Yourself >To Thine Ownself Be True
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On the puter, I make a very good first impression, witty, intelligent, > caring, worldly, wise….etc. I am the mystris of words and i can make them > dance and dazzle. >You certainly do. And you really put a finger on the stigma that was >being discussed eariler. There it is, in black and white. When I >confronted my own mother with my BP, she started talking about the lady >down the hall from her who is "mentally ill" based on her kooky >behavior, and how she doesn’t want anything to do with her. Mom, wake >up here, this is your daughter telling you I’M "mentally ill", watch how >you throw that term around. >I live in fear of "telling", yet wish everyone just knew so I didn’t >have to pussy-foot around. It’s a real dilemma. >Gayle
Dearest Gayle, The last time I went home I finally found out "about my mother" there was always this secret about her…never talked about….as a girl I thought it was infidelity….as a young adult I was told it was alcoholism, and when I asked and mourned her and wondered if we were similar….in anyway….I remember my father vehemently saying "You are not like her…You are not like her at all." There was bitterness in his voice and still is..when he speaks of her." Finally after my hospitalization and dx…it came out….from my father "she was in and out of mental hospitals in Germany and US. But my father said…"She would go in and just mellow out….talk to the drs…joke with the patients…then as soon as she got home…"she turned squirrly again." His words and my husbands "oh so and so was crazy like you" are evidence that they do not understand…and they don’t want to. Being somehow related to a mentally ill person is a huge stigma and makes everyone uncomfortable… And so we do our dance don’t we?….smiling and shuffling like a clown to show them, we are okay, because they don’t allow us the freedom not to be "okay" for a day or an hour…they worry, they freak…they think we might end it all, or go postal…. so when they ask "how are you? " they don’t really want to know… I am still debating…the "to tell or not to tell"….as least i have found this ….and it gives me great comfort… Christine Wrdmystris Recreate Yourself To Thine Ownself Be True
Response:
I am intrigued and fascinated by our similarities…. Another one for Bipolar in the "win" column of creativity perhaps? Yet, we do have our differences. I used to tell anyone that stood still about this other side of me… the darker, moodier, more solemn side… and the superficial soon made their clean getaways. However, I have found that the ones that remain are the truest in heart and soul. I no longer feel as though I have to tell anyone about my Bipolar, nor any other pertinent fact of my personal life for that matter. It is none of their business. I think many of us feel the need to tell because we have to know if we will be rejected. We expect the rejection and when it comes it only reinforces our belief that it will happen. There is nothing wrong with us. We have no "dark secret" that must be told. Others have illnesses… diabetes, heart problems, cancer… they do not have to explain themselves…. why do we think we have to? Is it that we feel in our hearts and souls that somehow we are imperfect and therefore not worthy of another’s love and attention? Do we somehow feel guilt that we are afflicted with this illness that too many do not understand and therefore fear? They label us, perhaps, but we give them the opportunity. The name Bipolar is only meant to describe a set of symptoms, not a person. WE are not Bipolar…. our illness is Bipolar. We are of a select society that ride the waves of emotions no "normal" could ever endure or possibly understand… and we survive…. We walk on the edges of razor sharp inconsistencies yet remain unharmed… are we not blessed? These are but my own opinions….Wrdmystris, if you ever need another AOL "Buddy" just call on me. I will be there. Reba http://wwp.mirabilis.com/1878039
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> On the puter, I make a very good first impression, witty, intelligent, >caring, worldly, wise….etc. I am the mystris of words and i can make them >dance and dazzle. Needless to say as I have made many male friends on the >internet….management consultants, tax attorneys, mathmaticians, publishers, >writers, musicians, artists. It is a little heady at first that these men are >interested in me. But when I put my flirting in my pocket and say look there is >more to me than this….and so I tell my tale…(i used to think that they had >a right to know) >thinking that if were going to be my friend they had to accept the whole >package. >This, I realise now is a mistake, they can’t handle it. It colors their vision. >If I am depressed do they think I am suicidal? If i am a bit manic do they fear >me homicidal? And so they slowly do not reply to my e-mails…and if I peruse >them…(running after them saying "hey wait I’m not crazy honest!!"—they run. >When I send them an instant message (aol) they suddenly get off line. Jesus >Christ, all i want to do is talk!!!!!! > This is what I have expeiranced with my other friends.where i >live…..where before dx I was brillliant and fun to talk to and insightful and >now….they don’t call…or don’t return mine.is it paranoia?…(i stopped >calling long time ago). I have a few standbys..my kids..my mom, my neighbor >Heather, a couple of friends at aol and a few internet friends that don’t scare >easy….and of course the new friends I have made here…(love you gobs) > Part of me wants to stop shooting myself in the foot with these >people…and just pretend I am like everyone else…but then part of me is a >rebel and a shocker and a breaker of taboos…and I want to stand up and say >"look I am not like you but I am still a person trying to play the hand that is >dealt me….just like every other slob on the planet. And if you just be quiet >I wouldn’t have to scream, and if you just stand still, I wouldn’t have to >chase you. I am not without rationality…. >I just get confused, and sad and angry, and hyper–like everyone else –just >more so…" > Part of me want to tell these "friends" to fuck off…that they don’t >deserve me…and they are really missing out on a wonderful friend a good >person and a facinating individual….and then part of me….the lonely little >girl part….the always on the outside looking in part….lets a tear roll down >her cheek. >Christine >Wrdmystris >Recreate Yourself >To Thine Ownself Be True
Response:
> On the puter, I make a very good first impression, witty, intelligent, > caring, worldly, wise….etc. I am the mystris of words and i can make them > dance and dazzle.
You certainly do. And you really put a finger on the stigma that was being discussed eariler. There it is, in black and white. When I confronted my own mother with my BP, she started talking about the lady down the hall from her who is "mentally ill" based on her kooky behavior, and how she doesn’t want anything to do with her. Mom, wake up here, this is your daughter telling you I’M "mentally ill", watch how you throw that term around. I live in fear of "telling", yet wish everyone just knew so I didn’t have to pussy-foot around. It’s a real dilemma. Gayle
Response:
On the puter, I make a very good first impression, witty, intelligent, caring, worldly, wise….etc. I am the mystris of words and i can make them dance and dazzle. Needless to say as I have made many male friends on the internet….management consultants, tax attorneys, mathmaticians, publishers, writers, musicians, artists. It is a little heady at first that these men are interested in me. But when I put my flirting in my pocket and say look there is more to me than this….and so I tell my tale…(i used to think that they had a right to know) thinking that if were going to be my friend they had to accept the whole package. This, I realise now is a mistake, they can’t handle it. It colors their vision. If I am depressed do they think I am suicidal? If i am a bit manic do they fear me homicidal? And so they slowly do not reply to my e-mails…and if I peruse them…(running after them saying "hey wait I’m not crazy honest!!"—they run. When I send them an instant message (aol) they suddenly get off line. Jesus Christ, all i want to do is talk!!!!!! This is what I have expeiranced with my other friends.where i live…..where before dx I was brillliant and fun to talk to and insightful and now….they don’t call…or don’t return mine.is it paranoia?…(i stopped calling long time ago). I have a few standbys..my kids..my mom, my neighbor Heather, a couple of friends at aol and a few internet friends that don’t scare easy….and of course the new friends I have made here…(love you gobs) Part of me wants to stop shooting myself in the foot with these people…and just pretend I am like everyone else…but then part of me is a rebel and a shocker and a breaker of taboos…and I want to stand up and say "look I am not like you but I am still a person trying to play the hand that is dealt me….just like every other slob on the planet. And if you just be quiet I wouldn’t have to scream, and if you just stand still, I wouldn’t have to chase you. I am not without rationality…. I just get confused, and sad and angry, and hyper–like everyone else –just more so…" Part of me want to tell these "friends" to fuck off…that they don’t deserve me…and they are really missing out on a wonderful friend a good person and a facinating individual….and then part of me….the lonely little girl part….the always on the outside looking in part….lets a tear roll down her cheek. Christine Wrdmystris Recreate Yourself To Thine Ownself Be True Wrdmystris Recreate Yourself To Thine Ownself Be True